‘Yeah. You might have missed the bit where we had a meeting earlier? That was covered under Any Other Business.’
‘And you said it never happened.’
‘I pointed out that Dander’s a coked-up idiot,’ he said. ‘A subtle difference, I know. But subtlety’s always been my strong point.’
He farted, and reached for his tea.
‘Can you actually do that at will?’ Catherine asked, despite herself.
‘Do what?’
‘… Never mind. So you believe her. Despite her issues.’
The slurping noise he made would not have disgraced a pig.
‘And yet you let her think you didn’t.’
‘Jesus, Standish.’ He opened his desk drawer. She knew what was coming, and here it was: a bottle of Talisker. He opened it and poured about a week’s worth into his cup. ‘Complete the following, would you? Upon receiving information of a credible threat to an agent …’
Light dawned.
‘… Okay.’
‘Yeah, that’s not the exact wording.’
She could see no way out of this. ‘A report of same must immediately be made to local station head (Ops).’
‘I could actually hear the brackets there,’ he said. ‘And what’s our local station, remind me?’
‘Regent’s Park.’
‘Regent’s Park. So Service Standing Rule number whatever it is—’
‘Twenty-seven (three).’
‘Thank you. Demands that a full report of this morning’s events be made to Lady Di Taverner, who will doubtless copy Claude Whelan in. For a supposedly secret service, there’s a lot of stuff happens in triplicate.’ Lamb took a healthy gulp of what had been tea. ‘Ah, that’s better. Luckily, Service Standing Rule twenty-seven three is superseded by London Rules, rule one. Which is …?’
He cupped a hand behind a monstrous ear.
London Rules were written down nowhere, but everyone knew rule one.
‘Cover your arse.’
‘Precisely.’ He belched, proudly. ‘Because you may not have noticed, but Slough House isn’t exactly in Regent’s Park’s wank bank. In fact, there are those who’d happily tie us in a sack and drop us in the Thames.’ He shook his head at the thought of being unpopular, produced a cigarette from somewhere, and lit it. ‘So any time they get an opportunity to start writing memos about us, it’s in our interests to squash such opportunity before it comes to fruition. Do stop me if I’m going too fast.’
‘Your turn of speed is always impressive,’ she said. For someone your size, she meant. She waved away smoke. ‘Have you ever thought about quitting? You might live longer.’
‘Why would I want to do that?’
‘Good point. So what you’re saying is, whatever’s put Roddy in someone’s crosshairs has also put us in Regent’s Park’s firing line.’
‘But only if they find out about it.’
‘What do you think Roddy’s done? Or seen?’
‘Christ knows. Downloaded the Archbishop of Canterbury’s porn stash? Whatever it is, I doubt he knows he’s done it. There’s something about him, what’s the word I’m looking for?’
‘… Otherworldly?’
‘Fuckwitted. Too fuckwitted to know when he’s stepped in someone else’s shit. Then starts treading it everywhere.’
‘He’s left for the evening,’ Catherine said.
‘I know. I felt the average IQ rise.’
‘What happens if they take another pass at him?’
‘If this morning’s attempt is anything to go by, it’ll end up on one of those video blooper programmes. It’s a good job they’re not on our side. If they were, they’d be assigned here.’
‘So we do nothing?’
‘Well, I personally don’t plan to do much. But if you think our little gang of Jason Stillborns’ll pass up the chance to mount their own private op, you’ve forgotten what testosterone smells like. I’ve already had Dander in here wanting to know if she can have a gun.’
‘You didn’t give her one!’
‘I was tempted. She was on her way to an anger management class. Imagine her turning up armed.’ His eyes glazed over while the headlines wrote themselves. Then he leaned across and knocked ash from his cigarette into Catherine’s cup. ‘Ta.’
‘I can’t help feeling our lives would be much easier if we could trust the Park,’ she said.
‘Well, I’m not on our Claude’s Christmas list, on account of my knowing about him putting his dick where he shouldn’t. That’s the same Claude whose rock-solid marriage is the stuff of Service legend.’ He leered. ‘He regards his wife as a saint, I gather. Which means she only gets down on her knees when in church, if you catch my drift.’
‘It would be hard not to.’
