When Kingsley informed Hermione that Padma was being assigned to the hospital, he framed it as support for Hermione because she was stretched too thin. But Hermione had been stretched too thin for years. She knew why they had reassigned Padma. They needed the redundancy because Hermione's function as healer had become secondary to her status as Malfoy's possession.
Padma was her replacement.
Now, with all the prisoners the Order had broken free recently, they could afford to give up a few more fighters to specialise in healing. Poppy was in charge of training fifty new field healers. Padma was slowly taking over Hermione's assigned hospital shifts and all the basic potions with the goal of Hermione only being on call in case of emergencies and advanced potion making; freeing her up to research and work on Malfoy.
When Hermione had informed Moody of Malfoy's intention to train her, Moody reminded her to do anything Malfoy required.
Hermione had felt slightly ill as she had agreed.
It wasn't as though she didn't agree. It was just — hard sometimes. Deep down, she wanted Moody to still seem conflicted; to show remorse over what he was steering her toward.
She wanted someone to care. To object for her. So that she wouldn't feel like such a whore as she did it.
It wasn't really rational. Strategically she knew Moody was right. Even if he didn't order her to do whatever Draco wanted, she was still intending to.
That was the bargain.
But sometimes she still wished someone would try to say no for her. So that Hermione could be reassured that the sick, clawing sensation inside of her was reasonable. That it was indeed as horrible as it felt to be sold to a Death Eater in exchange for information. Because, while Malfoy wasn't generally abusing Hermione or forcing her to have sex with him, if he were, Moody would give her the same instructions.
After all, they'd all expected Draco rape her when they'd sent her.
Somehow Hermione hadn't been prepared for how devastatingly lonely it would be to process everything alone. How her solitary mission would slowly eat her inside. Like a sinkhole inside her chest.
Of course, she could go to Minerva. Minerva would care. She'd object on behalf of Hermione. But it would be selfish of Hermione to turn to her for solace. It would just make her former Head grieve more. Hermione wasn't going to stop. She wasn't going to be dissuaded. Even if by some miracle Moody and Kingsley were.
She just wanted to stop feeling alone. To have someone tell her that what she was doing was meaningful. That it was alright that it hurt.
It was silly. Emotional. Wishing other people would be emotionally tortured on her behalf. She tried to squash it. But it kept rising up inside her.
She'd always been too desperate for verbal affirmation. To have someone tell her that she was clever, to reassure herself of her value with grades and praise.
She bit her lip. No one would ever praise her for what she was doing.
If most members of the Resistance were to learn, they'd probably accuse her of corrupting the war effort.
The war between Good and Evil was won by Good's refusal to compromise. Not by using Dark Magic. Not by selling a healer to a Death Eater for information.
Moody and Kingsley played along by allowing the Resistance's policy against Dark Art to remain in place in accordance with the Weasleys' and Harry's wishes. The public face of the Resistance was still Goodness and Light.
Hermione wondered just how many things Moody and Kingsley were doing without most of the Order knowing. Things that Hermione had also grown complicit in. Such as how Kingsley intercepted some of the snatchers and Death Eaters that Hermione was occasionally called in to heal before they were interrogated. How Bill and Fleur kept the the Order's prisoners. How prisoners were sometimes interrogated. Where certain supplies came from.
There were so many logistical details that the rest of the Order never seemed to ask about. Much in the way they never asked about where all the new information was coming from. How, after so many months and years of decreasing intel, they suddenly had much better information regarding Death Eater prisons, impending attacks in Muggle Britain, and raids against the Order. How they'd known to evacuate Caithness or that Voldemort was traveling.
Everyone seemed eager to ignore details like that.
The only thing they couldn't ignore was having Severus as a spy; even after five years, they still hated it. There was a recurring argument put forth by Charlie or Ron or Harry to have Severus cut out.
Hermione sighed and went to find Padma. Even if she could sleep, it was going to be a long night.
Late the next morning she placed the final enchantments on the healing spells she used to repair Ginny's face and then administered a vial of Wiggenwald potion.
That room in the hospital ward was currently empty. Hermione had kicked everyone out over the furious objections of Harry and Ron.