“A once in a lifetime event?”
“More like once in a big bang event…” offered Astrophysicist Yuri.
“Well after 600 years we are still trying to uplift our people… Russian people. And I am freaking tired.”
“But Madam President, you yourself have said that it’s these German spies… thugs who are responsible for Russia’s foibles. You just said that they steal our people and resources depriving Russia…:”
“Boris, yes I know, what I said. These so called German thugs have also built the most sophisticated railway in the world… an underground Trans-Siberian… an underground Baikal Amur Mainline… plus an underground Bone railway to Magadan through Yakutsk… thugs they may be… but they sure as hell have created something terrific… and you know what the best part is? No one died of frostbite.”
“Madam 60 seconds to launch
“Good.”
The Health Secretary cleared his throat, “Madam I am sure this is good for Russia in the long run, but what about the immediate aftermath? The fluctuations in temperature and weather patterns could be too drastic… diseases, water supply…”
“That’s why we got a billion barrels of
“But Madam, we should have got
“For the last time these Germans aren’t spies. When Berlin fell, they came over as guests.”
“Guests?”
“Yes, guests of the great one himself… General Secretary Stalin. By the time Mueller’s team got settled in, the nukes were already passé. Secretary Stalin needed something better… way better… and I think we have it today.”
“Madam, jet Tu-420 is taxiing,” announced Primakov.
“We all set?” asked the President turning to the three 100in monitors.
Mueller nodded while Pulikesi and Ilya gave their thumbs up.
“Still can’t believe you guys let in a bunch of Ukrainians and Indians on something like this,” remarked the Rocket Chief.
The President shrugged, “Well, we got Germans and Russians too.”
No one spoke as the sharp looking Tu-420, the
“Primakov, what’s next?” asked the President.
“We wait…”
“Looks like it’s sticking to the waypoints …,” observed Undersecretary Sarah McAllister.
“Yeah it’s no Transaero,” replied Jim Borland.
As it streaked across Siberia, the Tupolev reached the critical speed of Mach 1. If the thing was going to burn up and disintegrate, it had to be now.
“Any second now?” asked Doug from Brussels. He was once again being delivered in bits through
“Yep… hey who’s that guy with the pornstache?” asked Sarah.
A post-soviet, pre-yuppie guy with a neat stache was seated next to Doug at his Brussels office.
“Ah… Tomas, he is the Lithuanian rep to NATO. He is cool.”
“Dude what the fuck… you can’t bring in born again type crazies into a live op. Are you insane?”
“Guys, guys Tomas is cool. He is NATO. Lithuania is NATO. We are all NATO. Plus we just sent a bunch of F-35s to Vilnius. We cool.”
“That’s not how things work,” protested Sarah.
“Yeah man, this is so uncool. You are going to have to check his anal cavity now,” said Jim, who had just cleared his psych eval after the
“Get outta here. No way. I have known him for years.”
“Alright, you dump the guy or we are cutting you out of this.”
“And I just filed an ‘abusing
“Whaaat… I thought this was an allied party, the Lithuanians are real concerned about Moscow. We even got doner kebabs…”
“Lose the weirdo, Doug. You got 10 seconds.”
“Seriously dongers…? Be a man and eat a pizza… pepperoni.”
“Fine,” said Doug as he grudgingly showed Tomas out of his office. All they heard back was repeated nyet-s and da-s.
The Tupolev-420 pushed past Mach 2.
“Phase II,” said Korlov.
“Madam we need Antipin to guarantee that he will fire. We really need a few MIRVs … like I said decoys will do,” said Primakov.
“Of course Boris is on board. Aren’t you Boris?” asked the President.
“Yes Madam. We have everything ready,” replied Boris grudgingly. Launching MIRV rockets? With or without active warheads? Resistance was futile.
“Komsomolsk control hit the after burners.”
“Holy shit.”
The Tu-420 suddenly lurched forward at an ungodly Mach 10.
“Fuck!!!! It just hit Mach 12.”
“Damn it, someone call NORTHCOM.”
The Tupolev raged past Mach 20… before it hit the magic Mach 24.
“Nooo. Mach 24 is ICBM territory. Anything at that speed they automatically do their thing.”
“Which is?”
“Fire a few anti-ballistic missiles. And if that doesn’t work, launch a few of our own MIRVs in retaliation.”
“Shoot the Tu-420 or missile… just veered off course. It’s heading stateside.”
“Fuck, I can’t believe the Russians are this dumb.”
