Reindeer Station, located north of the Arctic Circle, was one of the Anti-Ballistic Missile (ABM) sites in Canada. After easily detecting the incoming missile, the unmanned ABM site responded with a barrage of Patriot missiles. Adhering to protocol the Reindeer Station then site sent out a coded message to NORTHCOM that read, “Yo, a Russian snitch was tryin’ to like sneak in. So we sent out a bunch of Patriots.
“Patriots failed. I repeat Patriots failed. NORTHCOM just confirmed. The Patriots failed to intercept the intruder,” announced Sarah.
“Fudge ruckers. Now what,” asked Doug from Brussels.
“Umm… Evacuate.”
“Evacuate? That’s it? We got no other plays?” asked Sarah, furiously pacing the room.
“As humans, no. Machines, yes. Yeah, we will have to let the machines fight this out.”
Something chimed. It was NORTHCOM.
“NORTHCOM just launched a bunch of Minuteman missiles. Moscow, St. Petersburg, Volgograd get the first wave.”
“Machines?” asked Doug, still trying to locate the English section of the ICE instructions at Brussels.
“Yeah, either our ICBMs beat their ABMs or their ICBMs beat our ABMs”
“So there is still a chance?”
“Yeah no.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Coz of the
“What in the fuck is a Dead Hand Protocol?”
“Very simply, total mutual destruction… complete obliteration of whoever is left. I am sure there will be pockets of survivors. But please… I have zero intention of sampling post-apocalyptic hell holes. Werewolves, critters, rationed supplies… no tv, no internet… washing off in streams… scavenging Walmarts… forced breeding with ugly cousins… if they are hot its fine… but… still am not taking chances… fuck no… I had rather face an ICBM head on.”
“Three MIRVs coming in fast. Unlike our unarmed Tupolev, these bitches are locked and loaded,” announced Korlov.
“I guess it’s time for the real
“Nope. We gotta wait,” said Primakov.
“Madam I got a bad feeling about this,” said someone in the room.
“Why wait?” asked the President. A cold sweat was soaking up her sweet back.
“We need more missiles Madam… more of their missiles. Antipin, your turn dude.”
Chief of Rocket Forces Boris Antipin swore under his breath.
Finally he asked, “How many?” He might have been asinine, but he clearly saw reason here.
“Whatever you got… whatever Russia has got… 100… 1000… 3000…?”
“Well since your request we have dusted up about 10,000. We have 500 in the Ukraine, 400 in Belarus, Kazakhstan has like 1000, and the other republics have 500. Cuba 100.”
“Terrific, let’s start with say… 300.”
Boris Antipin picked up a white phone and said “300”.
Primakov signaled to Mueller, “Mueller, 10 minutes.”
Thirty seconds went by as no one spoke.
Antipin’s white phone rang. “Yes…? Cool. Very cool. Now get into a bunker and sit tight.”
“Well?”
“315 missiles are out… they got excited. They haven’t done this in a while. They are even going after targets like Sioux Falls and Tacoma… ha-ha… small markets… no pro-teams.”
Back in the day, the US forces had buried several hundred Minuteman ICBMs among the corn fields. States in participation included the Dakotas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Missouri, and Iowa to name a few. In typical Soviet style the Comrades had copied and filled up the Steppe with their own missiles. The productivity of their collectivized farms had never recovered.
To match the Russian edge the US forces in turn had stolen something out of the Soviet playbook and ‘invaded’ Canada. In their week long quest to find appropriate farmland, the US army had stumbled upon the Canadian treasure — Tim Horton’s chain of restaurants. Its outlets were strategically placed all over Canada from Yellow Knife to Newfoundland and to the insecure and suffocating settlements all along the 49th parallel. With its large parking lots and constant power supplies, the Tim Hortons were an ideal location for placing nukes.
“
Something beeped and something else chimed.
Sarah McAllister read the thing that had chimed.
“300… Jim, 300 ICBMs launched.”
“
“Russian.”
“Cool…
Something pinged and chimed again.
Sarah sat down on the floor and re-read her super secure Blackberry.
“
“We just unloaded our arsenal… emptied our vaults… the entire allied arsenal
