Abi holds on to the side of the kitchen countertop, presses her fingernails into the cheap surface, but it doesn’t stop her eyes filling with tears. She clears her throat to try to keep the aching in her heart out of her voice as she says, ‘They’ll be trying to figure out who it is Anna was talking about and I don’t think it’ll take someone like Vita long before my name is mentioned …’
Rosie reaches forward, like she wants to touch Abi, but decides not to. Clasping her hand around her own upper arm, she hugs herself instead. She doesn’t say anything, just nods.
‘I’m going to tell Lily the truth.’ She says the words quickly, so she can’t change her mind. Rosie opens her mouth to say something but, whatever it is, Abi doesn’t want to hear. She holds her hand up to stop Rosie because there’s no other choice. The only thing worse than the prospect of telling her daughter is the thought of Lily finding out some other way.
‘I told Mrs Greene that Lily’s got a last-minute appointment this afternoon and with everything happening at the school today I don’t think anyone will mind if she comes home early. She’ll be back soon.’
‘How are you going—’
Abi cuts her off. ‘I have absolutely no idea.’
Abi’s not lying – she has no idea how she’s going to tell her daughter that she’s accepted money from hundreds of men in exchange for sex – but she doesn’t tell Rosie that she’s thought about it every day since Lily was a baby. That she’s started thousands of conversations in her head, conversations that were hard enough to start but almost impossible to end.
Rosie’s watching her; she looks sad, but she could just be relieved that at least her situation isn’t as bad as Abi’s, that she doesn’t have to confess a lifetime of lying to her child.
‘When we met last time, in my car. There was something you were going to say, something about not being a threat to our marriage. I wasn’t ready to hear it then, but I am now. Will you tell me?’
Abi looks away. God, she’s so tired of being everyone’s plaything. But Rosie didn’t ask for any of this, any more than Abi. ‘I was going to tell you that I think Seb came to see me because he wants to stay married. He needed some affection, and I think he chose to get it in what he thought would be the least messy way possible. It doesn’t, of course, make him Husband of the Year, but at least you know I don’t have any feelings for him, and I never will. Just like he doesn’t have any feelings for me and never will. We never flirted or thought about running away together. It was an exchange. It was that simple.’
Opposite her, Rosie swallows and nods.
They’re quiet again for a moment before Rosie says, ‘I think Lily will, in time, come to understand all this. I think she’ll understand you have nothing to be ashamed of.’
Which makes Abi laugh even as her tears keep rolling because what the fuck does Rosie think she can teach Abi about shame? But Rosie is shaking her head and saying, ‘No, I mean it. I’ve seen you with your girls, seen the way you listen to each other, the connection you have with them. You’re an incredible parent. Honestly, when my kids are teenagers, I’d love to have the kind of relationship that you have with Lily.’
While talking, Rosie’s moved closer to Abi, and this time Abi hasn’t pulled herself away because she wants Rosie to keep talking. She needs to hear this, desperately needs to hear these words no one ever says to her, these rare words: that she’s a good parent.
‘What if she …’ Abi’s crying properly now, overwhelmed as she’s about to say out loud the words that have haunted her for so many years: ‘What if she hates me because of it?’
Rosie nods, accepting Abi’s fear. Braver now, she reaches forward again and this time Abi lets her gently hold her bicep.
‘Yeah, I get it. She may get upset, but don’t forget she’s been raised by a strong, capable, free-thinking woman. I think she’s more like you than you know. Don’t underestimate her.’
‘But the lying, Rosie, the lying is just so shit.’Abi swipes at a couple more tears as Rosie briefly closes her eyes. Yes, Rosie knows about lying.
‘Yes, it is. It’s shit. You had good reason to lie, Abi. You were protecting yourself and your daughters from people.’ Rosie pauses before she decides to add what it is she’s really thinking. ‘People who don’t know you and believe too strongly in their own prejudices. People like Anna and a lot of other people in this town. People like me.’
‘Like you?’
Abi senses the threat of a trap again.
‘Well, maybe I’m finally waking up. I’m trying to unlearn a lot of stuff.’
Abi nods, looks away. She can’t figure out whether she should tell Rosie, whether it would sound trite. It doesn’t feel like the moment to hold anything back. Fuck it.
‘Look, I don’t know if this will help but, well, he talked about you, you know. Seb. When we met. He asked me what he could do to make things better.’
Rosie covers her face with her hand briefly before looking at Abi. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Why?’