She looks up; there’s more she wants to say, of course, and Abi nods, gently, steadily showing Lily she can say it. Lily’s strong enough to say it.
‘I’ve always known that I was loved, respected, important. Until now.’
It hurts like hell, the heavy truth.
Abi nods again, puts her hands together on the table in front of her. Lily keeps running her thumb along the scratch as she says simply, ‘You’ve been lying to me my whole life.’
Lily has the courage to say the truth, so Abi has to find the courage not to deny it.
‘I have.’
Lily looks up from the scratch to meet Abi’s eyes as she says, ‘You were a prostitute.’
Abi nods.
‘Why?’
Abi isn’t ready; she’s liquid and unprepared. These words feel too huge, too big for her body, but she forces them out. ‘I wanted you and your sister to have better choices.’
‘Why did you lie?’
‘I wanted you and Margot to grow up free from the stigma of my choices. Free of my mistakes.’
‘Do you regret it?’
‘I regret that I had to lie but, no, I don’t regret what I used to do for work.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, because I made a better life for you and for me and your sister. I created my own work, so I was always there when you woke up and was always the one to put you to bed at night. I had other options, other things I could have done – of course I did – but there was no way I could have done those things and been the kind of parent I have been. And the reasons for me to lie to you – well, they’re more complicated.’
Lily nods for Abi to keep talking.
‘There were … whispers, gossip about me on the estate. I mean, there was about most people. I didn’t let it get to me until … well, it was true. The gossip. My mum heard stuff about me, asked if I was a sex worker, and when I told her I was she got really upset and kicked me out.’
What Abi doesn’t say is that her mum hadn’t called Abi a ‘sex worker’, she’d called her ‘a fucking whore’, and that it hadn’t been just Abi she’d kicked out and said she never wanted to see again, but also Lily who was asleep in her pram.
‘That’s why we never see her,’ Lily says quietly.
Abi nods, adding, ‘I’m sorry.’ Because she knows Lily would have liked having a granny. ‘But honestly, I don’t regret it because here you are, sitting in front of me, the most honest and brave person I have ever known. Having one of the hardest conversations we’ll ever have. You are entirely yourself and I couldn’t be prouder of you. It’s all been worth it.’
They stare steadily at each other for a while before Abi says, ‘You can ask me anything about it. I promise I’ll tell you the truth.’
Lily nods – she believes her – but she looks away, her hands fluttering in her lap. ‘Yeah, maybe. Not now I—’
A buzzer goes on Lily’s phone, the reminder she sets whenever she’s picking Margot up. Lily silences it and Abi says, ‘I’ll go,’ not feeling ready to leave Lily, never feeling ready. ‘You feel like painting or maybe having a bath …?’
Lily scrunches up her face before she says, ‘Nah. Margot’s expecting me. I’ll come with you, if that’s all right.’
‘Of course, Lil. I’d like that.’
They both stand, the shock of the truth still pulsing through Abi. She’s not sure exactly how to be now that Lily knows the truth, but there’s no stiffness in Lily. She moves normally to her room to get a jumper for the walk to school.
Lily’s back a moment later, her phone in her hand. ‘I’ve just got a message from Blake,’ she says. ‘He’s kind of upset about everything his mum said on the radio and he’s asking if we can meet up in the park in a bit. Is that OK?’
Abi’s never been so glad to be asked such a normal child-to-parent question. It’s not full acceptance but at least it shows, Abi thinks, that Lily wants to try.
‘Of course it is, sweetheart. Say “hi” from me, won’t you?’
Her hand feels cold as she takes Lily’s warmer one and squeezes it, gently, before Lily moves towards her, and they’re the same height now so when they wrap their arms around each other, tightly, there’s no imbalance, they hold each other.
It was all worth it.
Chapter 19
Seb hasn’t left his office for hours. Apart from a brief respite around lunchtime when everyone was listening to Anna on the radio, he has been in meetings with either teachers or parents all afternoon.
Some were angry, telling him they were taking their kid out of the school immediately. Some were personally writing to the governors to have him fired, giddy with their own sense of power, their belief in their rightness. Others winced, struggled to keep their smiles under control. One dad Seb has never liked didn’t bother hiding his amusement, his shoulders shivering with laughter before he leant across Seb’s desk, offering his hand: ‘Who’d have thought it, mate, honestly, the balls on you!’