Hail, sister. You're looking a picture." Junia squinted at me, rightly suspecting I meant a picture I would not find a nail for. She dressed formally, every pleat in place, and primped her hair into regular fat rolls. A self-righteous snob, she had always imagined her stiff mode of attire made her look like the matrons of the imperial family, the old-fashioned, severe ones that never slept with their brothers or the Chief of Police, the ones nobody cares about. No amount of forcing would groom Junia's spoiled little son to be an emperor, however. That was why Helena always made me be polite; lacking children, Junia and Gaius had willingly adopted Marcus when he was abandoned as a baby. They had known he was deaf. They tackled it stalwartly. Junia milked this act of charity every time we met. I had never liked her, and my patience was close to evaporating. That was even before she said shamelessly, We heard you were on holiday in Ostia and all the family are planning to come and stay with you. I rushed down to get in first." Gaius Baebius worked here at the port. He had done so for years and anyone else would have acquired an apartment by now; instead, meanness made him sleep on a pallet at the customs house when he stayed overnight. For him, the lack of an apartment must have the extra benefit of preventing Junia visiting.
I'm not on holiday," I said curtly. Helena made haste to add, Sadly, I have had to say we don't have space for you, Junia. Albia and Julia are in our second room, the baby has to sleep with us, and poor Aulus is having to stretch out on the floor in here."." Straightening her numerous strands of necklace, Junia brushed Helena aside. Oh don't fret. Now that I've seen Maia's living arrangements in that lovely house, we shall all stop with them." I said Maia would be thrilled. Junia glared at me.
If you're not having a break here, Marcus, I suppose you are on one of your daft exploits. What is it this time?"
Missing person."
Oh, you should ask Gaius to help. He knows absolutely everyone in Ostia." Who thought that one up? My brother-in-law was completely unsociable; people fled his company. He was a ponderous, pontificating, boring, boasting drone. He knew how to wind me up too. He always insisted enjoining me if he caught me in a wine shop, then he always let me pay the bill. Have you any leads? Junia preened herself for knowing the right jargon.
Ask Gaius if he's ever heard of someone called Damagoras," Helena told her, rather more crisply than usual.
He's bound to know. Your case is solved already." If there was one person who was unlikely to provide me with information it was Gaius Baebius. Her son was fractious so we managed to get rid of my sister. That was just as well, because Petronius arrived soon afterwards, urgently needing to rage about Junia booking herself in with him and Maia.
Privatus can't be expected to put up all your bloody family, Falco! I can't stand that woman." When he calmed down, I asked him to check if there was a Damagoras on any vigiles list. We don't keep lists," he insisted.
Don't be unreasonable, Petro. You have lists of prostitutes, actors, mathematicians, religious maniacs, astrologers, and informers We all chorused the last one, an old joke. Not so funny if you thought your name was in the files. As mine was, undoubtedly.
So, Falco, are you looking for an evangelical astrologer who hires out his body and appears in tragedies?"
I don't know what I'm looking for, and that's the shitty truth."
Should be easy to spot."
Never mind," Helena soothed us gently, as she placed lunch bowls before us. Junia is planning to ask super Gaius Baebius to help you, so everything will be all right." For an instant Petronius stared at her, almost taken in.
Donkey's arse! I can't wait to get rid of them." Petronius might be living and sleeping with my youngest sister, but he thought the same about the rest as I did. Mind you, I always thought something funny had happened between him and Victorina. But when she was alive, you could say that about Victorina and pretty well anybody masculine in Rome. Had she been a person of note, my rowdy eldest sister could have kept Infamia in dirty stories for months at a time. So had some siren lured the scribe to a seashore love nest and kept him trapped in sexual bondage? That should be fun to investigate. Later, Helena told me that from her research so far into the Gazette, several females of quite illustrious lineage were current favourites for mention.
Empty-headed socialites seem to enjoy the attention. Silly girls made pregnant by outrageous boyfriends almost court discovery."
What's new, sweetheart? But these lasses are in Rome, not Ostia."
The big story ought to be how Titus Caesar is living openly at the Palace with Queen Berenice. That will never be mentioned."
