When Ashley got off the phone, she wanted to know who Kent was. I guess Scarlet had mentioned that he was cute because when she explained who he was, Ashley was a happy girl.
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While we’d been hanging with the kids, it had started to snow. I received a text from my mother to come home and salt the driveway and sidewalks. That put me in somewhat of a snit because my dad, uncle, and brother were all at the house. I was expected to come home and take care of that? Life wasn’t fair.
When I walked in the back door, I instantly got a whiff of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Did these people think they could woo me with cookies? Did they really think I was that weak?
I hoped they didn’t have nuts in them.
After delivering Little David and Coby to Peggy, I found Duke, and we stepped outside to take care of the salt. It took me almost ten full minutes. I’d never get that time back. Duke had brought his ball out with him, so I threw it for another twenty minutes to relieve the stress of having to do all the work in our household.
I finally rounded up my boy, and we went inside to sample the cookies. Thankfully, Melanie had just pulled out another batch because my brother, dad, and uncle had eaten the last one.
“I sold my first story,” Melanie announced.
“Dead hooker?” I asked as I shoved a cookie in my mouth.
They did have nuts, so I let go of my annoyance at having to actually do something around here.
My dad and uncle both looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. I was surprised when Greg didn’t even flinch at the mention of a dead hooker.
“Is there something you need to tell us?” Uncle John asked, taking the bait.
When I smirked, Dad rolled his eyes at me. He, at least, had resisted the urge to quiz me about something that sounded crazy on its face.
“David told me he and Fritz have a contingency plan in case there’s ever a dead hooker,” Melanie explained.
Uncle John couldn’t help himself.
“Why would you need that?”
“Because that was about the worst situation we could think of. If we had a plan for that, then anything else that happens should be easy,” I explained.
Uncle John was about to ask a follow-up question, but my dad put his hand on his arm to tell him to let it go.
“What story did you sell?” I asked.
“Frank decided that the dead hooker contingency plan probably wasn’t how he wanted you portrayed. Your mom overheard and suggested the rabid squirrel story.”
I had to tell my uncle what happened. Precious, the cat from hell, had caught a squirrel in our backyard. Duke thought his sole purpose in life was to rid us of the filthy vermin. Of course, he’d never been able to catch one himself, so he was a little put out when he saw Precious with one of the little bastards. His words, not mine.
Brit had come over to help take the squirrel away from Precious, and I’d put Duke in the house. When Brit was about to retrieve said squirrel, my mom had opened the back door to see what my dog was barking about. Duke, of course, bolted and made a beeline for the cat and squirrel.
The squirrel, fearing for its life, had escaped Precious and gone to ground inside the front of Brit’s sleeping shirt. I left out the part where she was braless, and I saw her magnificent boobies. Brit extracted the squirrel from its safe place between her breasts and flung it from her. It ended up in my mom’s hair.
Duke decided to jump and snatch the squirrel off my mom’s head. The squirrel had other ideas and leaped, landing on one of Brit’s brothers. It then made the leap to the garage roof, thwarting my hound’s best chance to ever catch a squirrel.
I was just glad my mom could now tell the story and see the humor in it. At the time, both Duke and I were on her list to be shipped off to my uncle’s farm.
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Chapter 23 – Take a Drunk Girl Home Saturday December 31
We all arrived at my dad’s country club for the evening event. Brook had insisted that I walk in with Halle when she saw Doris Harper from
“Hey, Doris. How have you been?” I asked with my best Hollywood smile.
“Hello, David. I had a tip you two would be here,” she said with her own fake smile and offered me her cheek to kiss.
I was a little grossed-out because she had on about an inch of makeup and smelled of hairspray. But I toughed it out and officially introduced her to Halle.
“Is your mom here?” Doris asked Halle.
“Not yet. She and her date will be here in a little while.”
“Oh … who is her date?” Doris asked the very same question I had.
“Stewart Thatcher. I’ll let her tell you all about how they met,” Halle said.
