I must admire the tactics of W3B. I am being feted before being sent off the show without a penny. Like a lamb, they are fattening me with adulation before slaughtering me on the next question. The moment I have been waiting for, and dreading, has finally arrived. I take a deep breath and prepare to face my destiny.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to reveal question number twelve, the final question, for one billion rupees, the biggest prize ever offered in the history of the planet. And remember, we are still in Play or Pay mode, so it is win all or lose all. OK, without any further ado, here is the last question for you, Mr Thomas, and this is from . . . the pages of history! We all know that Mumtaz Mahal was the wife of Emperor Shahjahan and that he built the world-famous Taj Mahal in her memory, but what was the name of Mumtaz Mahal's father? This is the billion-rupee question. Your choices, Mr Thomas, are a) Mirza Ali Kuli Beg, b) Sirajuddaulah, c) Asaf Jah, or d) Abdur Rahim Khan Khanan.
'Think about the answer carefully, Mr Thomas. Remember, you are at a historic crossroads. I know you need time to reflect on your answer, and to allow you just that, we will now take another quick commercial break. Ladies and gentlemen, please don't even think of going anywhere.'
The studio sign changes to 'Applause'. The signature tune plays again.
Prem Kumar grins widely at me. 'Got you, didn't I? Unless you have an MA in Medieval History, there is no way you will be able to answer this. So bid goodbye to the hundred million you have just won and prepare to resume your career as a waiter. Who knows, perhaps I may come by Jimmy's Bar tomorrow. What will you serve me? Butter chicken and lamb vindaloo?' He laughs.
I laugh back. 'Ha! I've got no MA in history, but I do know the answer to this question.'
'What? You must be joking, surely?'
'I am not joking. The answer is Asaf Jah.'
Prem Kumar looks aghast. 'How . . . how do you know this?'
'I know it because I worked as a guide for two years at the Taj Mahal.'
Prem Kumar's face turns ashen. For the first time he looks at me with a trace of fear. 'You . . . you are casting some kind of magic, I am sure,' he says and runs to the producer. They whisper amongst themselves. Prem Kumar gesticulates several times in my direction. Then someone brings in a fat book and they pore over it. Ten minutes pass. The audience begins to get restless.
Eventually, Prem Kumar comes back to his seat. His expression is neutral, but I am sure he is squirming inside.
The studio sign changes to 'Applause' and the signature music commences.
'Ladies and gentlemen, before we went into the break I asked the question, what was the name of the father of Mumtaz Mahal? I am sure all of you thought that that was the final question, but it was not.'
The audience is astounded. I am stunned. Are they introducing another question? The air becomes thick with tension.
Prem Kumar continues. 'Not only was that not the last question, it was not a question at all. We were simply recording a commercial for Mumtaz Tea, which is one of the sponsors on this show.
For this reason, we had to introduce a dummy question.'
The audience members start whispering among themselves. There is suppressed laughter.
Someone shouts, 'You really fooled us, Mr Kumar!' The tension dissipates. The studio sign changes to 'Applause' again.
I am the only one not smiling. I know now that this is really a show run by crooks.
The studio sign changes to 'Silence' and the signature music commences. Prem Kumar speaks into the camera. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I am now about to reveal question number twelve, the final question, for one billion rupees, the biggest prize ever offered in the history of the planet.
And remember, we are still in Play or Pay mode, so it is win all or lose all. OK, without any further ado, here is the last question for you, Mr Thomas, and this is from the world of . . . Western classical music! Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 29, Opus 106, also known as the 'Hammerklavier Sonata', is in which key? Is it in a) B flat major, b) G minor, c) E flat major, or d) C minor?
'Think about the answer carefully, Mr Thomas. Remember, you are at a historic crossroads. This is the most momentous decision of your life. I know you need time to reflect on your answer, and to allow you just that, we will now take another quick commercial break. Ladies and gentlemen, please don't even think of going anywhere.'
The studio sign changes to 'Applause'. Prem Kumar looks at me with a sly grin. The audience start chattering amongst themselves.
Prem Kumar stands up. 'I am just going round the corner. I will be right back.'
I stand up as well. 'I need to go to the toilet.'
'Then you'd better come with me,' he says. 'The rules stipulate the contestant must be accompanied everywhere.'
* * *
I am in the fluorescent-lit washroom of the studio. It is extremely clean. The tiles are gleaming white. There are huge mirrors. And no graffiti on the walls.
