I increase the pressure on the trigger, but the more I try to squeeze it the more resistance I encounter. It is almost as if my finger is turning to stone.
In films they show you that killing a man is as easy as popping a balloon. Bam, bam, bam . . . people in films fire guns as though bullets are going out of circulation. They kill people like we squish ants. Even a novice hero, who has never even seen a gun in his life, is able to shoot and kill ten baddies in the villain's den from five hundred feet away. But real life is very different. It is easy to pick up a loaded gun and point it in someone's face. But when you know that a real bullet will strike a real heart and that the scarlet liquid will be blood and not tomato ketchup, you are forced to think twice. It is not easy to kill a man. You need to first switch off from your brain.
Drinking can do that. And so can anger.
So I try to summon up as much anger as I can. I call to mind all that has brought me to this pass in life. Images of Neelima Kumari and Nita float through my mind. I see the black cigarette-burn marks on Neelima's body, the red welts on Nita's back, the bruises all over her face, her blackened eye, her dislocated jaw. But instead of a rising anger, I feel a spreading sadness, and instead of a bullet coming out of my gun, I find tears coming out of my eyes.
I try to drum up support from other quarters. I think of all the indignities I have suffered, all the hurt and humiliation I have endured. I see the bloody corpse of Father Timothy, the kindest man I have known, and the limp body of Shankar, the gentlest boy I have met. I recall all the merchants of suffering who have passed through my life. Images of Swapna Devi, Shantaram and Maman buzz through my brain, and I try to compress all these emotions into that split-second in which the bullet will be fired. Despite my effort, I find I cannot pin the blame for all my misfortunes on the man in front of me. I do not have enough anger in me to justify his death.
And I realize then that, try as I might, I cannot kill in cold blood, not even a vermin like Prem Kumar.
I lower the gun.
All this happens within a space of half a minute. Prem Kumar endures it with eyes tightly closed.
When he hears no sound of gunshot, he opens one eye. He is sweating like a dog. He stares blankly at me, a gun in my hand and indecision writ large on my face.
Finally, he opens both his eyes. 'Thank you for sparing my life, Thomas,' he says with his chest heaving. 'In return for your mercy, I will tell you the answer to the last question. You have already won fair and square. The question on Mumtaz Mahal was indeed the last question, and you knew the answer. So now I will tell you the answer to the new question.'
'And how do I know that you won't change it again at the last minute?'
'Hold on to your gun. But believe me, you won't have to use it, because now I sincerely want you to win the top prize. A billion rupees is a billion rupees. And you will get it all in cash.'
For the first time, I am tempted by the prospect of all this money. With a billion I can achieve many things. I can buy Nita's freedom. I can fulfil Salim's dream of becoming a star. I can light up the lives of thousands of fellow orphans and street kids like me. I can get my hands on a beautiful red Ferrari. I make up my mind. It is 'yes' to a billion and 'no' to murder.
'OK, so what's the answer?' I ask.
'I will tell you,' says Prem Kumar. He looks down at his feet and pauses.
'What's the problem?' I ask.
'I have realized that if I tell you the answer, I will be in violation of my contract and also the rules of the show. Your prize could be invalidated.' He shakes his head slowly. 'No, I will not tell you the answer.'
I am confused.
A hint of a smile begins to cross Prem's face. 'I said I can't tell you the answer, but there's nothing in my contract which prevents me from dropping a hint. Now listen carefully. I am going to the railway station immediately after this show and I am going to board a train. I have been invited to visit four friends in Allahabad, Baroda, Cochin and Delhi, but I can only visit one of them. So I have decided to go to Allahabad, to wash off all my sins by taking a dip in the Sangam. OK?'
'OK,' I nod.
We leave the washroom and return to our seats. Prem Kumar gives me an anxious look. I wonder if he will keep his word. Everyone claps when I sit down. My gun is sitting uncomfortably in my side pocket. I lay my hand over it.
The studio sign changes to 'Silence'.
Prem Kumar turns to me. 'Mr Ram Mohammad Thomas, before we took our last break I asked you the final question, question number twelve, for one billion rupees. I will repeat that question again. Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 29, Opus 106, also known as the 'Hammerklavier Sonata', is in which key? Is it in a) B flat major, b) G minor, c) E flat major, or d) C Minor? Are you ready with a reply?'
'No.'
'No?'
'I mean I do not know the answer to this question.'
