The Complete Yes Minister полностью

The Chairman agreed, asked that Sir Humphrey be notified in advance. The wretched galley proofs were taken from Mrs Oldham to be shown to him.

October 6th

The headlines weren’t good today.

Humphrey and I met to discuss the matter. To my astonishment he attacked me. ‘Minister,’ he said, ‘you have placed me in a very difficult position.’

I was outraged. ‘And what about the position you put me in? Here’s the Prime Minister asking for economies right, left and centre, and I look as if I’m wasting everything that everyone else has saved.’

Humphrey looked at me as if I were mad. ‘Minister, no one else has saved anything! You should know that by now.’

I knew that, and he knew that, and he knew I knew that, but the public doesn’t know that. ‘They all look as if they have,’ I reminded him.

‘Couldn’t you have stalled a bit more effectively?’ he complained.

‘What do you mean, stalled?’ I was deeply indignant.

‘Blurred things a bit. You’re normally so good at blurring the issue.’

If this was meant to be a compliment it certainly didn’t sound like one. But apparently that’s how it was intended.

‘You have a considerable talent for making things unintelligible, Minister.’ My mouth must have dropped open, for he continued, ‘I mean it as a compliment, I assure you. Blurring issues is one of the basic ministerial skills.’

‘Pray tell me the others,’ I replied coldly.

Without hesitation he gave me a list. ‘Delaying decisions, dodging questions, juggling figures, bending facts and concealing errors.’

He’s quite right, as a matter of fact. But I didn’t see what else he could have expected me to do yesterday.

‘Couldn’t you have made it look as though you were doing something, and then done nothing? Like you usually do?’

I ignored that remark and tried to get at the facts. ‘Humphrey,’ I began, ‘if these revelations are true…’

He interrupted rapidly. ‘If. Exactly! If! You could, for instance, have discussed the nature of truth.’

Now it was my turn to explain a thing or two. ‘The Select Committee couldn’t be less interested in the nature of truth — they’re all MPs.’

‘You should have said it was a security matter,’ said Humphrey, falling back on the usual first line of defence.

Completely idiotic! I asked him how HB pencils could be a security matter.

‘It depends what you write with them,’ he offered. Pathetic. He can’t really think I’d have got away with that.

‘And why on earth are we building roof gardens on offices?’ I asked.

‘We took over the office design from an American company that was going to occupy it. It just happened that nobody noticed the roof garden on the plans.’

I simply stared at him, incredulously.

‘A tiny mistake,’ he was defiant. ‘The sort anyone could make.’

‘Tiny?’ I could hardly believe my ears. ‘Tiny? Seventy-five thousand pounds. Give me an example of a big mistake.’

‘Letting people find out about it.’

Then I asked him why we are heating sheds full of wire.

‘Do you want the truth?’ he asked.

I was taken aback. It’s the first time he’s ever asked me that. ‘If it’s not too much trouble,’ I replied with magnificent condescension.

‘All the staff,’ he said, ‘use these sheds for growing mushrooms.’

I didn’t even know where to begin. So I kept it simple. ‘Stop them,’ I ordered.

He shook his head sadly, and sighed a heartfelt sigh. ‘But they’ve been doing it since 1945. It’s almost the only perk of a very boring job.’

I understand this argument, but it’s clearly untenable in public. So next I asked about Rhodes’s proposal for saving money on stationery orders. Why hadn’t we accepted it?

‘Minister,’ said Humphrey vehemently, ‘that man was a troublemaker. A crank. He had an unhealthy obsession about efficiency and economy.’

‘But why didn’t we adopt his proposal? It would have saved millions of pounds.’

‘It would have meant a lot of work to implement it.’

‘So?’

‘Taking on a lot more staff.’

This argument was manifest nonsense. I told him so. He seemed unbothered.

‘Disprove it,’ he challenged me.

‘I can’t, obviously.’

‘Exactly,’ he replied smugly.

I stared at him. I had suddenly realised what was going on. ‘You’re making all this up aren’t you?’ I said.

He smiled. ‘Of course.’

‘Why?’

He stood up.

‘As an example,’ he said in his most superior manner, ‘of how to handle a Select Committee.’

[The following week the same Select Committee met Sir Humphrey. Mrs Oldham questioned him closely on the Rhodes disclosures and proposals. The evidence taken that day is printed below — Ed.]

Mrs Betty Oldham: This is all very well, Sir Humphrey, but let’s get down to details. This heated aircraft hangar for example.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Indeed, I fully understand the Committee’s concern. But it can be very cold in Herefordshire in winter, and even civil servants cannot work in subzero temperatures.