‘With the radishes,’ says Stephen.
They walk past it every day and Stephen looks at the radishes and says, ‘Dig ’em up. Grow roses, for goodness’ sake.’
‘I’ll look after it for you,’ says Elizabeth.
‘I know you will,’ says Stephen. ‘There’s a museum in Baghdad, you know. Have we been together?’
‘No, my dear,’ says Elizabeth. The places they won’t go together now.
‘I’ve written down the name for you,’ says Stephen. ‘On my desk. It has pieces from six thousand years ago, can you imagine? And on these pieces you can see fingerprints, you can see scratches where someone’s child has come in and distracted them. You understand that these people are still alive? Everyone who dies is alive. We call people “dead” because we need a word for it, but “dead” just means that time has stopped moving forward for that person? You understand? No one dies, not really.’
Elizabeth kisses the top of his head. Tries to inhale him.
‘I understand this,’ says Elizabeth. ‘For all the words in the world, when I go to sleep tonight, my hand won’t be in yours. That’s all I understand.’
‘You have me there,’ says Stephen. ‘I have no answer for that.’
‘Grief doesn’t need an answer, any more than love does,’ says Elizabeth. ‘It isn’t a question.’
‘Did you get milk?’ says Stephen. ‘People will want tea.’
‘Let me worry about milk,’ says Elizabeth.
‘I don’t know why we’re on this earth,’ says Stephen. ‘Truly I don’t. But if I wanted to find the answer, I would begin with how much I love you. The answer will be in there somewhere, I’m sure. I’m sure. There’s still half a pint in the fridge, but it won’t be enough. I forget I love you sometimes, did you know that?’
‘Of course,’ says Elizabeth.
‘I am glad I remember now,’ says Stephen. ‘And I’m glad that I shall never forget again.’
Stephen’s eyelids are beginning to droop. Just as Viktor has said they would. Just as she and Stephen had discussed. As best they could. The last time they read the letter together.
‘Are you sleepy?’ Elizabeth asks.
‘A little,’ says Stephen. ‘It’s been a busy day, hasn’t it?’
‘It has, Stephen, it has.’
‘Busy, but happy,’ says Stephen. ‘I adore you, Elizabeth. I’m so sorry about all this. You saw the best of me though? It hasn’t always been like this?’
‘It’s been a dream,’ says Elizabeth. Stephen, in clear moments, had been very certain. His race was run.
‘And they’ll look after you? Your friends?’
‘They will do what they can,’ says Elizabeth. They will all think about the choice that they would make in Stephen’s position. What choice would Elizabeth make? She doesn’t know. But Stephen was sure.
‘Joyce,’ says Stephen. ‘Joyce is your friend.’
‘She is.’
‘And tell Kuldesh I will see him soon. Weekend if he’s around.’
‘I’ll tell him, my darling.’
‘I might shut my eyes for a moment,’ says Stephen.
‘You do that,’ says Elizabeth. ‘I think you’ve earned a rest.’
Stephen’s eyes close. He sounds drowsy.
‘Tell me the story of when we first met,’ says Stephen. ‘That’s my favourite story.’
It is Elizabeth’s favourite story too.
‘I once saw a handsome man,’ says Elizabeth. ‘And I knew I was in love. So I dropped my glove outside a bookshop, and he picked it up and presented it to me, and my life changed forever.’
‘Handsome was he?’
‘So handsome,’ says Elizabeth, tears now streaming. ‘Like you wouldn’t believe. And, you know, my life didn’t change that day, Stephen. My life began.’
‘He sounds a lucky bugger,’ says Stephen, half asleep. ‘Will you think of me in your dreams?’
‘I will. And you think of me in yours,’ says Elizabeth.
‘Thank you,’ sighs Stephen. ‘Thank you for letting me sleep. It’s just what I need.’
‘I know, darling,’ says Elizabeth, and strokes his hair until his breathing stops altogether.
Well, I don’t know what to say or do. So will you just let me write? Let me think out loud?
The ambulance arrived at about five p.m. No sirens, which usually tells its own story. No hurry.
You always wonder where the ambulance is going, that’s only natural. One day it will come for you, and other people will look, and other people will talk. That’s the way of things. The undertakers use a long white van, and that is no stranger to Coopers Chase either.
Stephen has died. Elizabeth went with him in the ambulance. I rushed down as soon as I had worked out what was going on. I got there in time to see his body being taken away. Elizabeth was climbing into the back of the ambulance. She caught my eye, and she nodded. She looked like a ghost, or an entirely new person. I held out my hand and she took it.
I told her I would tidy the place up a bit while she was gone, and she thanked me, and said she would like that. I asked if it was peaceful, and she said that for Stephen it was.
I saw Ron hurrying towards us, knee and hip both hobbling him. He looked so old. Elizabeth pulled the door of the ambulance closed before he could reach us.
