“I want to read the same books as him, I want to understand the things he thinks, I want to learn not for the university but for him.”
“Lila, don’t act crazy: we said that you would see him this time and that’s all. What’s wrong with you, calm down, Stefano is about to get here.”
“Do you think, if I work hard, I can understand the things he understands?”
I couldn’t take it anymore. What I already knew and what I nevertheless was hiding from myself became at that moment perfectly clear: she, too, now saw in Nino the only person able to save her. She had taken possession of my old feeling, had made it her own. And, knowing what she was like, I had no doubts: she would knock down every obstacle and continue to the end. I answered harshly.
“No. It’s complicated stuff, you’re too behind in everything, you don’t read a newspaper, you don’t know who’s in the government, you don’t even know who runs Naples.”
“And do you know those things?”
“No.”
“He thinks you know them, I told you, he thinks a lot of you.”
I felt myself flushing, I muttered, “I’m trying to learn, and when I don’t know I pretend to know.”
“Even pretending to know, one gradually learns. Can you help me?”
“No, and no, Lila, it’s not something you should do. Leave him alone, because of you he’s already saying that he wants to stop going to the university.”
“He’ll study, he was born for that. And yet there are a lot of things that even he doesn’t know. If I study the things he doesn’t know, I’ll tell him when he needs them and so I’ll be useful to him. I have to change, Lenù, immediately.”
I burst out again: “You’re married, you have to get him out of your head, you’re not right for what he needs.”
“Who is right?”
I wanted to wound her, I said, “Nadia.”
“He left her for me.”
“So everything’s fine? I don’t want to listen to you anymore, you’re both out of your minds, do what you like.”
I went to my room, consumed by unhappiness.
75.
Stefano arrived at the usual time. We all three greeted him with false cheerfulness, and he was polite but a little tense, as if behind his benign expression he had a worry. Since his vacation was to begin that day, I was surprised that he hadn’t brought any luggage. Lila didn’t seem to notice, but Nunzia did and asked him, “You look preoccupied, Ste’, is something worrying you? Is your mamma well? And Pinuccia? And how are things with the shoes? What do the Solaras say, are they pleased?” He said that everything was fine, and we had dinner, but the conversation was forced. First Lila made an effort to seem in a good mood, but when Stefano responded with monosyllables and no sign of affection she became annoyed and was silent. Only Nunzia and I tried every possible means to keep the silence from becoming permanent. When we got to the fruit Stefano, with a half smile, said to his wife:
“You go swimming with Sarratore’s son?”
My breath failed. Lila answered with irritation: “Sometimes. Why?”
“How many times? One, two three, five, how many? Lenù, do you know?”
“Once,” I said, “ he came by two or three days ago and we all went swimming together.”
Stefano, still with the half smile on his face, turned to his wife.
“And you and the son of Sarratore are so intimate that when you come out of the water you hold hands?”
Lila stared straight into his face: “Who told you that?”
“Ada.”
“And who told Ada?”
“Gigliola.”
“And Gigliola?”
“Gigliola saw you, bitch. She came here with Michele, they came to visit you. And it’s not true that you and that piece of shit went swimming with Lenuccia, you went by yourselves and you were holding hands.”
Lila got up, she said calmly, “I’m going out, I’m going for a walk.”
“You’re not going anywhere: sit down and answer.”
Lila remained standing. She said suddenly, in Italian and with an expression that looked like weariness but which—I realized—was contempt: “How stupid I was to marry you, you’re worthless. You know that Michele Solara wants me in his shop, you know that for that reason Gigliola would kill me if she could, and what do you do, you believe her? I don’t want to listen to you anymore, you let yourself be manipulated like a puppet. Lenù, will you come with me?”
She was about to move toward the door and I started to get up, but Stefano leaped up and grabbed her by the arm, said to her, “You’re not going anywhere. You will tell me if it’s true or not that you went swimming by yourself with the son of Sarratore, if it’s true or not that you go around holding hands.”
Lila tried to free herself, but she couldn’t. She whispered, “Let go of my arm, you make me sick.”
