‘If you don’t feel like going out, it’s all right. I can take you home.’
For a moment she contemplated taking him up on his offer.
‘Anytime you want to go home, just let me know. But first …’
They happened to be stopped at a red light, and her boyfriend pulled a plain white paper bag from his jacket pocket.
‘I know we were going to pick out our Christmas presents together, but I wanted to give this to you first. I got it on my recent business trip to Kyushu.’
The paper bag was printed with red letters – the name of the famous shrine, Dazaifu Tenmangu. Inside was a pink omamori amulet for success in college entrance exams.
‘I figured, since you’re in exam hell, you need an amulet. I went to the shrine to pray for your success. I even got up onto the part of it that looks like a veranda.’
‘You mean the haiden, the hall of worship,’ she told him. ‘So … you think I’m going to pass my exams?’ Etsuko asked, going straight to the heart of the matter.
‘Well, of course! Why wouldn’t I?! It goes without saying that I support you going to whichever school you decide on. How can you even ask?’
The light turned green and he started driving.
He got her a pink one for the simple reason that she was a girl. There must have been a bunch of colours to choose from and he went with the pink amulet that now dangled in front of her.
‘What do you want to do, go back home?’
‘How come you’re so keen to get rid of me?’
‘I’m not! It’s just that with your exams, you must be tired. Maybe you don’t feel like being dragged around.’
‘Yeah, but when I’m studying I also need to take a break. Hey, feel like taking me to the place with a view?’
‘What about your present? I thought we might go to Kobe.’
‘It’ll be so crowded there today, let’s save it for next time. I’d rather it just be the two of us.’
When she said this, she saw his profile turn red.
‘You’re always so direct, but every so often you say something sweet. Why don’t we head over to Mount Rokko?’ he said, turning the steering wheel.
Etsuko had only just learned how grownups kiss.
Previously she had always got scared and pulled away, but he had never pressured her, not once. She would hold back, unable to tell him that what scared her was actually how good it felt – and still, he just let her take her time.
No matter how many times they’d been up this mountain road, it always seemed new to her – this time he parked the car by the side of it in a little-known spot where the view was indeed lovely. As they kissed, Etsuko always got nervous, her back stiffening, whenever a rare car passed them in the opposite direction.
Those oncoming cars had always coincided with her pulling away, until now … This time, when a car passed them, his lips murmured over hers with wonder, ‘You know, a car just went by …’
‘Today, I’m OK with it. Kiss me again.’
As if filling in the blank in what Etsuko had requested, he kissed her with more passion.
She realized how much he’d been holding back all this time.
Their kiss lasted a long time, until—
‘Sorry, I have to stop,’ he said.
Etsuko had been clinging to him but he held her by the shoulders and away from him.
‘Why?’ She felt like she finally understood how to respond.
He sighed and leaned against the steering wheel.
‘If we go any further, it’ll be too much for me. I don’t think I can hold back.’ He gave her a pained and embarrassed smile.
‘It’s OK.’ She wanted to give herself over to this feeling of being cherished.
He looked up at her, startled. Etsuko was facing straight ahead.
‘Why don’t we stop somewhere instead of going home? I’m ready.’
‘But—’
‘I want to,’ she insisted.
Without another word, he started the car.
Etsuko didn’t remember the name or location of the love hotel where he had brought her.
‘I’m going to take a shower first,’ she said.
This wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to be nervous about. There were definitely girls in her class who had done this already. Etsuko and her friends were just late bloomers.
She wanted to give herself to him. She knew that he would be gentle with her.
She emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Uh, I just …’ He was sitting cross-legged on the bed with his back facing the bathroom, his hands over his eyes like the ‘see no evil’ monkey from the shrine at Nikko. ‘I have a favour to ask.’
‘What is it?’
‘Get dressed.’
Hearing his request, coming at this particular moment, Etsuko flipped out.
‘What do you mean, look where we are! Are you not attracted to me?!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course I’m attracted to you!’ He couldn’t help raising his voice, but his tone turned morose. ‘You don’t seem like yourself today, you know. Maybe you’re a little desperate or reckless. Haven’t you noticed? You’ve just been going through the motions. It’s discouraging, to be honest. I’m a man, but when I see the woman I love in such a miserable state like that, I can’t just go along with it.’