The Plot полностью

He didn’t. Then again he didn’t understand the question. He sat on the bed and she gave him the capsules, three or four at a time, and he really didn’t want to but he swallowed them all, until there weren’t any more. “Good job,” she said, after each handful. He drank the water from the glass. That went onto the bedside table, next to the empty pill bottles. He did want to know what they were, the pills, but did it really matter?

“Well, we’ve got a few minutes,” said Anna. “Was there anything you wanted to ask, in particular?”

There was something, thought Jake. But now he couldn’t remember.

“Okay. I’ll just, sort of, free-associate. You stop me if you’ve heard any of this already.”

Yes, said Jake, though he couldn’t actually hear himself say it.

“What?” said Anna. She looked up from her phone. His phone, actually. “You’re mumbling,” she said. Then she went on with whatever it was she was doing.

“I don’t want to be that person who’s always whining about her childhood, but you need to know it was always about Evan in our house. Evan and football. Evan and soccer. Evan and girls. The guy was an imbecile, but you know how it is with families. The pride of the Parkers! Scoring goals and passing his classes—wow! Even when he started doing drugs they thought the sun just shined out of his ass. As for me, it didn’t matter how smart I was or how good my grades were or what I wanted to do in the world, I was still nothing. So there’s Evan getting girls pregnant right and left and he’s an angel from heaven, but when I got pregnant it was like their job to punish me, and make sure it stuck for the rest of my life. It was all: you’re dropping out of high school and keeping this baby because that’s what you deserve. Zero chance of an abortion. Zero support for giving the baby up for adoption, either. You were spot-on with all that, actually, the way you wrote it. That’s absolutely what it was like for me. Which isn’t a compliment, by the way.”

He didn’t take it as one.

“So then I have this baby I don’t want and they don’t want and I’m out of school, sitting at home with her all day getting yelled at by my mom and dad about the shame I’ve brought on the family, and one morning when they’re out of the house I hear this beeping down in the cellar. The carbon monoxide alarm’s going crazy, and I didn’t know what that meant, but I did a little research. I just took the batteries out, and replaced them with a couple of dead ones. I didn’t know if it was going to work, or how long it would take if it did, or which of us were going to go, and I did keep the window open in my room, where the baby was, too, but to be honest, I think I was okay with whatever happened.”

She stopped and leaned over him. She was checking his breathing.

“You want me to go on?”

But it didn’t matter what he wanted, did it?

“I tried my best. It wasn’t fun, but you know, I thought, it’s just the two of us here. There was no one to count on, but also no one for me to blame if it went downhill. I kind of lost my drive after the rest of my class graduated, I’ll admit to that. And I got to thinking, maybe this is the way it’s supposed to go, giving up my own life for this other life. I thought I could make my peace with that, and besides, I wasn’t against having that thing you’re supposed to have with a kid. Companionship or whatever. But that girl.”

There was a ping on the phone. His phone. She picked it up.

“Oh look,” said Anna. “Matilda says your publisher in France has offered half a million for the new novel. I’ll get back to her in a couple of days, though I don’t think your French publisher will be at the top of our list by then.” She paused. “What was I saying?”

The cat had returned and leapt up onto the bed. He took one of his favorite positions, alongside Jake’s right calf.