“Not once, in sixteen years, was there one sign of affection. She pushed me away, I swear, when I was trying to nurse her. She preferred not eating to being close to me, physically. She toilet trained herself so I wouldn’t have that power over her. I knew she didn’t plan to hang around Rutland a day longer than she had to, but I thought she’d at least do things in the normal way—graduate from high school, maybe go as far as Burlington. Not Rose. She just came downstairs one day when she was sixteen and told me she was leaving at the end of the summer. Bang. I couldn’t even tell her there was no money for an out-of-state college a thousand miles away. She had a scholarship, she had a room in a dorm, she even had a stipend for living expenses from some do-gooder down there. I said I at least wanted to take her, and I could tell she didn’t even want that, but when she thought about it practically she understood what it meant for her own convenience. She knew she was never coming home, so she let me drive her, and I let her pretty much fill up the car, everything she wanted, only a little room left over for my own things. But you know what? There wasn’t much I wanted to take for myself. Just a few clothes and an old propane heater.”
With all of his strength he turned his head to her.
“It wasn’t an accident, Jake. Even with your supposedly great imagination you couldn’t get your mind around that. Maybe you’ve got some gender blindness about motherhood, like it’s impossible for a mother to do that. Fathers, sure, no one bats an eye if they kill one of their kids, but do the same thing while in possession of a uterus and
It reminded Jake of something, that word. But he couldn’t think what.
Anna sighed. She still had Jake’s phone. She was scrolling through photographs, deleting. Very far away, he could feel the cat, Whidbey, begin to purr against his leg.
“I let those yokels bury her,” Anna said. “People always want to involve themselves when they see a tragedy. I’d been happy to take care of it myself. Have the body cremated—I mean, it was halfway there already. And sprinkle the ashes, whatever. I’m not sentimental about these things. But they offered, and all expenses paid. So I said,
Anna smiled down at him. “What did you really think of Athens? Can you see me living there? I mean, I was lying low, of course. I didn’t get involved in any of the social stuff. It was all frats and football, and all that big hair and the good old boys, everybody living in those tacky apartment communities. I got the housing waiver by telling them my mother had just passed away, and I really wanted to be alone. I didn’t even have to go into the housing office, which was lucky. I’ve always looked younger than my age, but I was pretty sure I couldn’t pass for sixteen. Especially after this happened to my hair.” She stopped to smile at him. “I did tell you it happened when my mom died, so that was kind of true. Anyway, I dyed it blond while I was in Georgia.” She grinned. “Helped me to blend in. Just another bottle-blond Bulldawg.”
He used every bit of his strength to turn away from her and onto his side, but he couldn’t quite get there. His head, though, had moved on the pillow, giving him a blurry view of the half-empty glass and the completely empty bottles.
