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In 1606, the Habsburg brothers and their nephew Ferdinand of Styria met secretly in Vienna. ‘His Majesty has now reached the stage of abandoning God entirely,’ said Matthias, and was devoting himself to ‘wizards, alchemists, Kabbalists’. Matthias forced Rudolf to make peace with the Ottomans. In Prague, Rudolf, distrusting everyone and convinced his brothers wanted to kill him, stabbed his chamberlain in the middle of the night, then attempted suicide. In search of a loyal servant, he promoted a Tyrolean converted Jew, Philip Lang, to chamberlain – they may also have been lovers – allowing him control of the government, while this epigone sold paintings and betrayed him to his brothers. ‘I know I am dead and damned,’ Rudolf told Lang, ‘possessed by the devil.’^*

Both brothers were now bidding for Protestant support. In July 1609, Rudolf signed a Letter of Majesty that promised religious tolerance for the Protestants, but when they threatened his power he brought in a detachment of mercenaries who alienated all sides. Matthias’s troops advanced into Bohemia, forcing him to cede Hungary and Austria. In March 1611, as Rudolf ranted in the castle corridors, ‘He’s snatched my crowns one by one,’ Matthias marched on Prague, which welcomed him. ‘Prague, Prague,’ Rudolf cursed, ‘I made you famous but now you drive me out … Vengeance upon you!’

Matthias let Rudolf keep the castle. When Rudolf’s favourite lion died, he knew it was the end. Now emperor, Matthias confirmed Rudolf’s promise of tolerance, but the Protestants claimed the right to build new churches on Catholic land. As Matthias lay dying, his successor Ferdinand II promised a Catholic crackdown, aided by Catholic officials Jaroslav Borˇita and Vilém Slavata. Bohemian nobles raided the castle, telling the officials, ‘You’re enemies of us and our religion,’ before they hurled the two of them and their secretary Philip Fabricius out of the window, defenestration being something of a tradition in Prague: a messy death. But all three survived the seventy-foot drop, with Catholics claiming that their fall had been eased by the Virgin Mary, and Protestants citing a heap of garbage. Fabricius galloped to inform Vienna, where he was ennobled by Emperor Ferdinand with the epithet von Hohenfall (Highfall). Ferdinand cracked down on the Bohemian rebels, who then deposed the Habsburgs and elected the Protestant prince, Frederick, elector Palatine, married to James I’s daughter, Elizabeth.

James was under pressure to support his son-in-law, but he was much diminished by the death of his beloved son, Henry, in 1612, leaving as heir the unglamorous Charles, not yet twelve. James paid more attention to his favourite, the earl of Somerset.

Then on 14 September 1613, a courtier, Sir Thomas Overbury, died in the Tower of London after an injection into his rectum.

MURDER BY ENEMA: THE FAVOURITES OF JAMES

James was now shocked to learn that Overbury had been murdered on the orders of his darling Somerset and his new wife. Overbury had been Somerset’s political adviser, until the earl fell in love with the married Frances, countess of Essex, whose wedding theatricals had been attended by Shakespeare. Overbury did not approve, warning his patron of her ‘injury and iniquity’, penning an entire poem The Wife against her. Instead her powerful pro-Spanish family, the Howards, framed Overbury and persuaded James, jealous of Overbury’s relationship with Somerset, to imprison him in the Tower – and allow her marriage to Somerset on the basis that her husband Essex was impotent. The couple decided to eliminate Overbury, first sacking the Tower governor and replacing him with a corrupt placeman, then inserting a thuggish jailer. They recruited a witchy whoremonger, Anne Turner, to procure poison from a pharmacist’s wife. The poison was delivered by Overbury’s suborned doctor, who fed him cakes painted with arsenic. Overbury fell ill but did not die, so the Somersets ordered the doctor to deliver a glister (enema) of mercury chloride into Sir Thomas’s rectum. Overbury died in agony just before Somerset married Frances Howard. Somerset was constantly promoted by James, who was nonetheless becoming weary of his greed and grandiosity. Just then the king spotted a gorgeous young man at a hunt: George Villiers became the means to overthrow Somerset, whose enemies raised money to buy the Adonis a new bejewelled suit. Villiers was then dangled before the king, lithely dancing in court masques, his famous legs on show. Now that Somerset was no longer invulnerable, the governor of the Tower denounced him for killing Overbury.