Tiny Tim полностью

“Because distance breeds loneliness. It’s a gradual decline in intimacy, from the loss of trust to the loss of feeling loved. With the lack of physical and emotional support, it’s only a matter of time before people start looking for that support somewhere else, and their original partner gets slowly removed from their thoughts.” she answered quietly.

“Doesn’t that sound familiar?” I asked, with a single raised eyebrow.

“But that’s romantic love. That’s different.” she tried, and I could hear she wasn’t convinced herself.

“No, it’s not, and you know it. Affection is Affection. It’s the very same neurological process, with the very same chemicals involved. The difference between the love you may feel for a friend and the love you feel for your family, are familiarity and emotional intimacy. You grew up with these people, you know them better than anyone else in the world, and you know they got your back unconditionally. I may have grown up with you people, but my own mother couldn’t tell you what my favorite food is, and I certainly don’t expect any of you to have my back.”

She looked almost panicky when I finished.

“But, you are calling her ‘Mom’ again!”

And now she sounded panicky, as well.

“Yes.”

“If you don’t love her, why would you do that?” Her tone had moved on to urging. Why was she so desperate?

“That’s ... hard to explain.”

“Well, try me!”

I groaned. It actually wasn’t hard to explain, I just really didn’t want to.

“Did they tell you when I first called her that?” I asked, and she nodded. “Did you read the letter she wrote for me?”

“Yes. I read all her letters. The one you got wasn’t her first attempt.”

“Look,” I sighed. “spending New Year’s Eve all alone in a sterile hospital room was a rather sobering experience. So when I read her letter ... I decided to believe her. It didn’t really explain what I wanted to know, but what was in there made sense. So, I was inclined to give her a chance. That was the reason I allowed them to move in and risk letting them help me. And then they actually helped me. Claire actually behaved like I would expect from a mother. She really tries to take care of me.”

“But you still only said it out loud after they both went to bed with you.” she noted. “Why?”

“That’s ... I hadn’t received any love or emotional support from any of you for years. Like in your explanation just now, I had to move on and find it somewhere else. And then they move in and genuinely take care of me. They ... The whole thing last night was ... Being treated so tenderly, with love and care, while their sole concern was to make me feel better ... Of course that affected me.”

“I understand.” she simply nodded.

“And to top it off, I’ve been in constant physical pain since fucking Thanksgiving! In the past eight weeks, I was beaten, stabbed, shot, and had multiple bones broken! Just when my damn broken rib heals, I get a broken collarbone instead. I have a hole in my leg that hurts like hell, my chest hurts because I keep cramping whenever I unconsciously move my damn shoulder, and my back hurts from leaning on the fucking crutch the whole day.” I was now wildly gesturing around with my healthy hand while my voice heated up. “And then they do that to me, and all the pain is gone! Completely! My muscles relaxed, my back relaxed, nothing strained my wounds ... it was heaven!”

I had to calm down and collect my thoughts before I could continue.

“But the real deal wasn’t what they did, but what they didn’t do. I had my first P.T. session yesterday, and I was a mess afterwards. When they got me into bed, they had me at my absolutely fucking weakest and lowest. They could’ve used my condition to secure a roof over their heads, by telling me how I could have them every day if I let them stay. They could’ve used it to find out if I really burned all that stolen cash, by asking for the combination to my safe. Or they could’ve used it to get back at Aaron, by stopping what they were doing and refusing to continue until I called him. But they didn’t do anything like that. They really only cared about making me feel better because I was in pain. That’s what I want from my family. So, I acknowledged that they are my mother and sister. But I don’t fall in love from a blowjob.”

“So, when you told Claire in the bank that you trust her...” her voice trailed off, and her hand moved in a circular motion, encouraging me to complete her sentence.

“ ... I meant that, after I had risked letting them move in and they didn’t give me any reason to regret that decision yet, I’m now willing to risk trusting her with my bank account. As little as there is in it.” I said, not pointing out how this wasn’t really a new risk I was taking, since she had access to my old account as well. If I wasn’t so embarrassed about how much I already owed Bill, I’d have asked him instead of Claire.

“Little?” she perked up. “Didn’t you find the documents for the college fund attached to Claire’s letter?”