There were tears in her eyes, but it was the way she carried her body that was concerning. I couldn’t tell if she actually chose divorce to rebuild our relationship, or if she only realized that Aaron was an asshole and I was her only alternative.
“If you spoke to an attorney on Friday ... Where were you yesterday?” I asked, still attempting to not allow even a hint of accusation or displeasure in my voice.
Claire had obviously expected that question, and wasn’t eager to discuss it. But she knew that she had to tell me something if she wanted to erase my doubts, and I could see her physically harden her resolve.
“Honey ... after you left Johnny’s ... I wasn’t in a good place.” she started. She did not look like she was rehearsing something, or like she was looking for excuses. She simply wasn’t proud of what she was about to tell us. “I finally understood that I’ve ruined everything.”
At that point, she broke down in tears. I did not interfere with Ava’s attempt to calm Claire down, though I also didn’t assist her in any way. I was occupied with trying to figure out what my words in John’s house must have caused. I didn’t have to think long, though. I had, after all, relentlessly pointed out how this family was utterly broken. And, while I never outright said so, she knew that it might be Aaron and Logan who started to see the women of the family as their personal pleasure-dispensers, but she was the one who allowed it in the first place and then cultivated that mindset by participating unconditionally for so long.
As soon as she had calmed down enough to speak without being constantly interrupted by the sobs rocking her body, she continued.
“I allowed my husband to think of his family as nothing more than his personal property. I have spoiled my oldest child so much that he now thinks about nobody but himself. I allowed them to abuse my daughter to the point it almost ruined her life. And I neglected and alienated my youngest child to the point he no longer loves me. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a home, I don’t have a family. I ... I ruined everything.” she concluded in defeat.
Hearing her words soured my mood immensely. I had hoped she chose to work on our relationship because it would be what she truly wanted, but it sounded like she only came back to my apartment because I was her sole alternative. To my surprise, Ava’s mood had also darkened. She looked angry! And that anger was also present in her voice.
“Mom! How can you say you ruined everything? I think I turned out well! I don’t blame you for what Logan and Aaron did, because they didn’t do it when you were around. You DID look out for me. And don’t blame yourself for Logan being a selfish asshole, either. Yes, you spoiled him rotten, and it probably went a long way in forming his character, but you didn’t set out to make him a selfish asshole.”
“I know, Sweetheart. And you can’t imagine how proud I am of you.” Claire said, after taking a steadying breath. “But I reached a conclusion. I screwed up, so I have to fix it.”
With that, she turned to me and grabbed my hand as well.
“Honey.” she continued. “I know what I just told you sounds like I already gave up, and that I see you as some kind of consolation prize. But I promise you, I’m not! I will work on our relationship, not because I have to, but because I want to. I will be your Mom again, not to get a roof over my head, but because I want to be your Mom. And I will earn your love back, no matter how long it will take. But I will not start by lying to you, so I had to tell you how I felt after you left.”
She could see the doubt in my face, and immediately addressed it.
“I could try and get Aaron back, but I will not give you up in exchange for him. If he wants to be my husband and Ava’s father again, he first needs to be a father to all of his children.” she stated firmly. “I could try and make Logan come home, but I will no longer reward his selfish behavior. If he wants to be part of this family, then he has to treat us like one as well. Just like I will show you that I love you, so you will allow me to be your family again.”
I believed her. And as the realization that I believed her words set in, that strange wave of anxiety got stronger.
I had given her every reason I could possibly think of to go back to her easy life. Every incentive to collect Ava, drive home, and keep going like she had for the past four years while letting me live my life away from them. But she chose me instead, and I could not detect any sign of deception in her words, expression, or voice. She looked at me pleadingly, but I was convinced that was because she was pleading for me to give her a chance.
