<p>William Shakespear’s</p><p>The Jedi Doth Return</p><p>by Ian Doescher</p>FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
<p>Dramatis Personae</p>CHORUS
LUKE SKYWALKER, a Jedi trainee
GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight
YODA, a Jedi Master
PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan
HAN SOLO, a rebel captain
CHEWBACCA, his Wookiee and first mate
C-3PO, a droid
R2-D2, his companion
LANDO OF CALRISSIAN, a scoundrel
MON MOTHMA, leader of the Rebel Alliance
ACKBAR AND MADINE, rebel leaders
WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot
NIEN NUNB, a rebel pilot
EMPEROR PALPATINE, ruler of the Empire
DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord
JERJERROD and PIETT, gentlemen of the Empire
JABBA OF THE HUTT, a gangster
BIB FORTUNA, Jabba’s man
SALACIOUS CRUMB, Jabba’s fool
BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter
THE MAX REBO BAND, Jabba’s palace musicians
EV-9D9, a droid in Jabba’s service
RANCOR, a monster in Jabba’s service
THE RANCOR KEEPER, its owner
REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS, and SOLDIERS
<p>Prologue</p>Outer space.
Enter CHORUS
ChorusO join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—Another chapter of our cosmic tale.Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,To save his friend Han Solo from his jailWithin the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,The vile Galactic Empire now hath cutNew plans for a space station with a beamMore awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,Mean doom for those within the rebel castWho fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.In time so long ago begins our play,In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.<p>Act I</p><p>Scene 1.</p>Inside the second Death Star.
EnterDARTH VADERandMOFF JERJERROD.
VaderCease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behindAnd lacks the needed motivation. Thus,I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.JerjerrodAye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.To have you here is unexpected joy.VaderThou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.So cease thy prating over my arrivalAnd tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.JerjerrodI tell thee truly, Lord, my men do workAs quickly as each one is capable—No more is possible for them to do.VaderMayhap I shall find new, creative waysTo motivate them.Jerjerrod—Lord, I’ll warrant thatThe station shall be operationalWithin the date and time that have been set.Upon my honor I may make such claim.VaderThe Emperor, however, doth not shareThine optimistic attitude thereon.Jerjerrod 
