Now the forest is very quiet, the firing has stopped, everyone is very still, trying to analyze the situation. Only I suddenly think of lovely days at home. There was still a winter sun, but it was warm: my parents bought me flowers for a present, had a party with friends arriving with congratulations… now my wishes are different from then. If I could have my wish then first I would make it for all the people who have made sacrifices for 23 years, youngsters who have grown up knowing nothing but hate, sacrifice, and hardship; starting with all the people I love in the South. My dear parents, please be ready to welcome me and all your sons home from the South. All these young men deserve your love.
November 27, 1968. Sadness and missing him makes my heart so heavy. Oh! My life is so complicated. I want to forget everything, to only have left a great love which warms my heart. Why are you not here? If you were here then I would only ask you to be silently near me. Perhaps you will also understand this and share my sadness.
November 29, 1968. Review for the Party:
Good…
I am strong, not afraid of cruelty, not afraid of sacrifice, accepting complete responsibility
I have a good sense of organization
Everybody loves me
I learn well
Weakness…
Am not a perfect leader
Have not been active enough in work to be a firm leader
Still am a petty bourgeoise
Still weak in secret keeping and defensive actions against the enemy
Inspection and discipline still weak
December 6, 1968. Thinking about my relationships with everyone. In their eyes… how do they see me? We aren’t constantly together but meet because of work, (including the work of the Party, teaching youngsters). They are all very good to me and the people who work with me. Living with me are 3 types of people: the people who don’t like me, always finding my weaknesses in order to attack me; there are only a small number of these. Another type of person cares for me very much with a special devotion and will do anything for me: this type of person numbers not so many, but not too few. The last type of person is normal, hating and loving me equally. So what does this mean Thuy? What can I learn from these relationships? How can I do better? In life no one can please everyone.
December 7, 1968. Met Thuong*. For a long time during our days in the delta, I didn’t talk to him, but after a year apart I am so happy to see that we have grown and that our affections are strong and matured, strong in the face of the storm winds of the times. Please tend our emotions letting them grow without stopping!
December 9, 1968. On the way to the Party school, a beautiful afternoon with the sun pouring down through the high tree tops. Halfway up the hill I suddenly think of those days beside you… the time on the way to school, that bright love with all the beautiful shining colors bright and clear. Does that sort of love fade away? When I again live with happiness will I still love you the way I do now? And you... is it true what you wrote in the letter you just sent me? “Even though I have a person who loves me, I tell her that I still love you more than her.”
December 16, 1968. Difficulties continue, from one to another. The enemy starts mopping up in our area and we are now in a combat zone. All plans must be changed. All our strength must be concentrated against the enemy. In those plans was one for the big Branch meeting, the first one in 2 years. I have waited for it for a long time, for many reasons, and the day was not far off. But now we have stopped planning for it because of the enemy: very sad.
Like the note I sent him today asked, when will I see him again? When will our hopes come true, even if it is such a small hope it is important to us. The letter that he wrote to me said that he misses me; for me it is the same but I have to forget that because worrying and missing each other only makes me sad. I hope that he will be strong enough in the face of difficulties and dangers. I hope that I will see him again, can hold him and kiss his eyes with my undying love.
December 17, 1968. The news that Duong was captured for the second time brings me sorrow. Just a few days ago I received his letter, a long one. In the letter Duong said that he cares for me so much that he hoped I would adopt him like a younger brother (it’s still the adopted young brother)… but I can’t accept this for many reasons, the first being that there is no cause for me to admire him or to care for him the way I do Nghia, Thuong, and Thuan; the second is that Duong still has some thoughts which don’t match my hopes. For Duong I am only sorry, understanding, and nervous in the face of his strong affections.
