M’s father said that I am right on some points: the Revolution, courage in love, a girl must have these things. But his father did not see my other side which is self respect and self love. If when I was in the North I had understood this war, and the spirit of being in the army, then maybe I would not have fallen in love with M. Only the inequality of our emotions has been enough to cause me to forget a love I am eager for.
Ten years have passed so this way has not been so short: now I am at a crossroads, with one way turning towards a new direction, another way leading me I know not where.
So what is it worth to be happy? M is still the person I knew long ago, and now I am a very practical person, with more understanding of love than before. That kind of love is no longer complete.
I held M’s letter in hand, not reading it right away. After reading it I was so mad, but a few days later I felt normal enough to return to work and it seemed that nothing had happened. My dear Thuy! Is your heart so cool that there is no excitement anymore?
December 31, 1968. This last night of the year the sky is clear with no clouds at all. Very late already but everyone still continues talking in all parts of the building. No one wants to sleep tonight because tomorrow begins a new year. The people in the big meeting will all go in different directions; everyone will take responsibility for hard tasks in the coming days. The fighting grows tenser day by day. In this final phase more blood still must flow, more must flow to achieve victory.
Sat next to him, not able to say all that I wanted to say, because also beside me sat many other persons I was talking to. A little sad because we could not say all we wanted to, but we understood each other when I looked into his eyes and heard his soft sighs. My dear young man, the love which gives us belief, strength, and happiness when we are together will then naturally make us miss each other when we are far apart. So please don’t be sad, please smile. When will I see you again? Will I ever see you again? If we never see each other again then… I don’t want to think about that sad thing. Good-bye my dear young man. I hold you in my arms, listening to your breathing. I want to say more but keep quiet because I believe that you understand me, understand all my deep care for you.
January 1, 1969. The New Year starts with Chairman Ho’s* wish for the New Year:
This year there aren’t the high spirits of last year. Are my thoughts not yet right? Is it because I have not valued victory enough that I have these thoughts? Or am I correct after all? Was last years happiness the joy of a “beginning”, and this years happiness that of passing time? (Here I don’t speak for myself, but speak for all the people.)
January 4, 1969. Lying beside Ninh listening to her conversation, I don’t know why she suddenly told me the entire true story of “Brother Ba”.
After hearing the story, I was so sorry. I love Thuan; I felt that I understood him but I now know that I knew too little compared to the truth. I didn’t understand the extent of his spirit of hard work, his spirit of responsibility, Thuan’s very high spirit as a Public Health worker. In the general report of progress Thuan spoke of his accomplishments in only 3 lines. I really didn’t know about all the raining nights when he carried the medical box and traveled through the bombing with gunfire fierce all around him. One night Ninh felt sorry for him so woke someone else up to go. Thuan was very angry and told her that even if he was asleep or otherwise occupied she should still wake him up.
I knew too little about the state of mourning in Thuan’s family. I saw him acting so normal and with smiles, so how could I know all of the long nights when lying there he couldn’t sleep and cried like a child. I didn’t know about his poverty, believing him on this point. I didn’t know that he always was doing without so that I and others could have enough. He sat there looking at his hat, wanting to sell it to get money to spend… Oh! Why didn’t I think about that? And also I never realized completely his affections for me.
