Every night, I’d stretch out on the canvas lounge chair and reflect on my unpredictable fate, on my extraordinary self-control, and on my character, which ran deeper by the day. I couldn’t help choking up. The crowds’ emotions were the hardest thing to figure out: one misstep might put you at odds with them. When I was young, I made numerous such mistakes. Now, of course, the situation was quite the reverse. I had done my utmost to appear ordinary, dull, and undistinguished throughout the process. I had been extremely careful not to overstep the limit. I had gone with the flow. No one knew my true ideas, even though the one I harbored was ingenious! This is why I never doubted that my work was useful and why I could be so selfassured. Without a spiritual pillar sustaining him, a person might as well be a walking corpse. When I saw how anxiety-ridden and how indecisive the people were, I became aware of my good fortune. I easily saw their mistakes. Sometimes, I wanted to roar at them. Unfortunately, mortals are always so short-sighted and ignorant of life. For most, thinking straight is like roosters laying eggs.
I felt keenly that this world lacked people with ideals and aspirations. Mediocrity was everywhere. Every project was left unfinished. All the talent died before it could be born. The future was hopeless. What a frustrating world! I’m not a pessimist: I’m just a fighter constantly striving to become stronger in today’s reality. Look at everything I do, and you’ll agree.
Tail D: Last night, when I walked to the riverbank, the south wind carried Madam X’s voice. She said: ‘‘I don’t want to give everything away, but I can reveal a little privileged information. I understand why everyone has been driven to the last extremity. I understand it to the core. From now on, no one should be anxious.’’
Probably no one will believe me because I can’t point to concrete facts, and nobody can know whether I’m lying-just amusing myself at everyone else’s expense. But how could I make public what Madam X said earlier? That’s my secret alone: it came from many sleepless nights, or perhaps from a decree of the gods! Wouldn’t telling everybody mean I was making light of it? In a lifetime, you might never encounter it at all. I can’t stand to see everyone tailing (these words are probably too vulgar), plodding through wind and rain and even sinking straight into the trap. So all I can do is to vow to heaven that what I’m telling is the truth. I know the inside story of the whole thing. My information came from Madam X herself, and it is absolutely true.
Don’t think that I’m cocky. No. I don’t think I’m all that wonderful just because of this. I’m still one of you, and I’ll pretend nothing has happened to me, just as usual. Yesterday, my cousin asked why I eat pickled vegetable soup and dried turnips at every meal. I answered that I have to adhere to this way of life until I die-and this definitely wasn’t boasting. Tonight, I can still go out with everyone else and rush around: no one can see that I’m any different. I dislike attention: that’s self-glorification. I think people who wildly flaunt themselves are very funny. They become intoxicated grasping shadows and forget to keep striding forward. They’re like babies without experience: they just want to enjoy themselves and are always eager for life to favor them with more. The moment they discover a little something new (sometimes, only an illusion), they start clamoring about their success in case others don’t know of it. They want prizes for their discoveries. A life of reaping without sowing has spoiled them. I am quite the opposite. I’ve lived an industrious and frugal life since childhood, one not lacking in ideals. All my life, I’ve consciously disciplined myself. Only in this way have I nurtured the good habits of being calm and not cutting a fashionable figure.
One individual never joined in the extensive surveillance and also kept cool and collected. This was the much-admired widow. Let’s hear her views:
‘‘Listen, everyone, I can’t stand your irrational, ignorant behavior! Each of you came with your own selfish intentions and impulsively took part in this collective activity, keeping busy day and night. But can you grasp the substance of this matter? It’s a maze that opened up in front of you, but you can’t get in. You just pretend to know it well to cover up your own foolishness.
