“I’ll have to tell her then.” But they both knew he didn’t. He could play this game forever, as long as Natalie let him. She felt as though someone had let the air out of her tires hearing that he was going to Paris to see her, and he wasn’t even promising to tell her this time. He knew he couldn’t, and so did she. He was too frightened to upset her, alienate her, or lose her and was still unwilling to take the risk, even for a woman he loved.
Natalie was very quiet on the ride back to the hotel, and Hugues could feel the tension in the car and said nothing. He didn’t want to confront the subject again. It made him feel too guilty about her and anxious about his daughter. She took a walk on the beach alone the next morning, and Hugues knew she was still upset. There was nothing he could say to her, unless he agreed to tell Heloise when he saw her. And he didn’t want to promise that again and not deliver. He felt like a jerk.
Natalie said nothing more about it for the rest of the weekend. There was nothing left to say. When he dropped her off at her apartment Sunday night, she didn’t ask him to come up, which had never happened before, and he went back to the hotel. He was leaving in four days. He called her the next day and asked if he could come over. She was loving to him when he did, and cooked him dinner, but he could feel that a wall had come up between them. He had disappointed her too many times about telling Heloise, and suddenly it had become an even bigger deal, and neither of them was sure why.
“Look, I know it sounds crazy,” he said to her at the end of dinner. “I know this isn’t right to keep it from her, but it gives us time to get our relationship solid and squared away. Of course I’m going to tell her when she comes home. I just don’t want to risk it before that. She has too many other options, particularly this boy in Paris. She’s young, she’s not as understanding as we are. She may overreact. Once she’s home, I’ll deal with it. I promise.” She looked at him for a long moment and shook her head.
“I’m not understanding about it either. And I’m not young. It’s insulting. I’ve become the woman in the closet. You’re happy to have a relationship with me, you just won’t tell your kid. What does that mean? That you’re ashamed of me? That I’m not good enough? How am I supposed to feel? To be honest, I feel like shit.”
“I know you do, and I’m sorry. It’s just a very strange situation. We were alone for almost sixteen years. She’s had me to herself. We’ve been over this a thousand times. You know why I won’t tell her yet.” He looked as upset as she did, but she felt worse.
“Maybe you never will. How do I know what you’ll do when she comes home? We’ve been sleeping with each other for six months now, and you still haven’t told her. And maybe you never will.” She didn’t know what to believe now.
“Look, I’m going over to see her for a week. That’s all. I haven’t seen her since Easter. And I may go over once in the fall, and then she’ll be home.”
“And then what? What if she tells you to break up with me and she pressures you until you do? How do I know what kind of power this kid has over you? She seems to be winning so far. And I could wind up the big loser here. I’ve been there before.”
“That was different. He ran off with your best friend.”
“No different. He couldn’t make a commitment. Neither can you, to tell your daughter. No balls.” It was the harshest thing she had ever said to him, but he knew he deserved it, so he didn’t object. He wasn’t going to tell Heloise in Paris or even promise it this time, no matter what she said. He loved Natalie, but his relationship with his daughter meant too much to him to take that risk. And he didn’t know what he’d do if she begged him to let Natalie go when she came home. It was a horrifying thought, for both of them.
He went back to the hotel that night and didn’t stay with her. And she wouldn’t see him again before he left. He knew it was a bad sign. And he was troubled about it on the flight to Paris. He called her on her cell phone when he arrived in Paris, and she wouldn’t answer. He was afraid that it had been too much for her this time, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t get out of his mind Heloise saying to him that she wanted to be the only woman in his life when they were in Rome. It was unreasonable, he knew.
