Letters полностью

Of course he sees — with the wrongheaded clear-sightedness of Drew Mack, who lumps stock liberals like Todd Andrews with reactionaries like A. B. Cook. And it “proves” P.’s point, I suppose, that in the face of his blank hostility I see my own dispute with letters to have been a lovers’ quarrel. Sweet Short Story! Noble Novel! Precious squiggles on the pristine page! Dear Germaine.

Your old letter, then, Ms. or Mr. Truly — that blank space which in my apprenticeship I toiled to fill, and toward which like a collapsing star I’d felt my latter work returning — was it after all a call to arms? Left to right, left, right, like files of troops the little heroes march: lead-footed L; twin top-heavy T’s flanked by eager E’s, arms ever ready; rear-facing R; sinuous S — valiant fellows, so few and yet so many, with whose aid we can say the unseeable! That green house is brown. Sun so hot I froze to death. History is a code which, laboriously and at ruinous cost, deciphers into etc. Little comrades, we will have our revenge! Good Yours, I have never been more concerned!

Bea Golden. Aye, Bea, I see still in my dark camera the honey image of your flesh. Your beach-towel twitches: there are the breasts Barry Singer sang, the buttocks Mel Bernstein bared, Louis Golden’s glowing gluteus, Prinz’s pudenda! A little shopworn, sure; a little overexposed. Prinz’s cold judgment, as you report it, is surely right: that you will never be an actress unless in the role of yourself-without-illusions, a washed-out small-timer, wasted prematurely by an incoherent, silly, expensive life: the role he would have you play in “our” film. (When did he string so many words together? Or was his message in some tongueless tongue?) But Bea, Bea, battered Aphrodite, how I am redrawn to you, to my own dismay! Not to “Jeannine Mack,” the little tart who frigged me to a frazzle in my freshman year, no; there’s a passion I’ve already reenacted, and have nor wind nor sap to re-re-run. It’s Reg Prinz’s played-out-prize perversely I would prong: the Bea you have become: unmobled quean of bedroom, bar, B movie. Why in the world, Y.T., do I itch for Bea? Not just that she’s Prinz’s, surely? And surely not for want of other blanks to fill?

Au contraire: the scent seems to be on me since crazy April, and will not leave me be in abstemious May. Young “Mary Jane” in the beach hotel this weekend: a ringer for Jeannine Mack 20 years ago except less well washed and high on grass instead of bourbon; hoping His Nibs the Director would notice her, but settling in the woozy meanwhile for the worn-down nib of her ex-Freshman-English prof. Nothing wrong with shagging a former student, Mister Chancellor, Members of the Board of Regents: anyhow she was C+ in class, high B in bed (my curve is lower than in yestersemester); I was tired, my mind was elsewhere (hi, Bea), and I don’t dig sex with the inarticulate, though those 21-year-old bodies are, as the children say, Something Else — not even conceived yet, Y.T., when I was first laid.

Which fetches us to the other anniversary we celebrate on this date, fortunately unbeknownst to Prinz: the loss of my virginity in 1947. And to my second Remarkable Reenactment of the day. Home from the sea I drive at sundown: beaten, wordless, Mary Jane’s juices drying on me and mine on her, the Bea-Prinz image beprinted on my ego like a cattle brand. I stand her to dinner, drop her off at her dorm (C you later, Allgelehrte), and head for mine. I pause to consider a pause at 24 L St., Dorset Heights, and decide against it: I have begun to love milady A., but it isn’t she I wish to see in this particular distraction. I reflect that we have not coupled, she and I, since May Day, near two weeks gone. This reflection, itself coupled with the scents and images of Bea-Plus, not surprisingly reminds me of that time in my life when I was chastely loving Magda while humping Jeannine around the yacht-club circuit. Harry Truman days. And that reminds me…

The Lighthouse is dark but for the driveway light. Peter’s pickup advises me that the closer I get the less. Angie is abed but waiting to say good night: I bring her saltwater taffy and a coin with her name lettered round it so: