–To Professor Faceman too. When I left Paradise. I told them that I needed to solve my own case. That’s what I feel, anyway. I won’t be able to live anywhere properly unless I do so. That’s why I need Shell’s past…
Suddenly Balot felt cold again. Not just her skin this time, though. In her gut too. She realized that she wanted to kill. She understood this clearly, for the first time. Or rather, the Doctor and Oeufcoque had made her understand.
–It’s quite possible that when you achieve your goal, someone else will be destroyed by it, Oeufcoque added, quietly.
–He could have his basic human rights and assets frozen and lose his liberty for a very long time. More than one of the people we’ve sent to prison have tried to take their own lives. Of course, there have been others who were made of sterner stuff, recidivists who come out after their sentence and carry on as before. But even those have lost a part of themselves to us. Were they burnt out? Hard to say. The Doctor and I carry our own burdens too, of course. Now—we chose our paths, however reluctantly. This means that there are things that we can do. But it also means that there are things that we can’t do.
–I’m not sure what you’re saying. That I need to toughen up and be ruthless? Is that what I need to do if I want to achieve my goal?
–Exactly. You need to accept, to embrace, your own ruthlessness. Just as Bell Wing was comfortable in admitting her own ruthless cunning streak. If you can’t do this, you might just be better off accepting that you’re an offender against Commonwealth laws…
“Oi, Oeufcoque. I wasn’t trying to make her feel that responsible…” said the Doctor.
–At her age, seven generations of my species would have come and gone. She’s plenty old enough to handle the responsibility, said Oeufcoque.
“Come on, you know that of all mammals, humans take the longest to mature to adulthood. It’s not as if she was born a fully formed adult like you were. Give her a break…”
–But I think that this is the game Shell is playing.
Balot interrupted their argument.
–So I think it’s just a question of whether I’m prepared to play along. It’s the only game left in town. I don’t think I could give it up now, even if that would somehow make everyone happy.
The moment she finished speaking, Balot felt incredibly small. Ineffectual, weak, and self-conscious, that was all she was.
So what? A beating from the depth of her heart. The ability that she had now was only a fraction of her true potential. What she had now was just a crutch, something to help her propel herself toward her ultimate goal by hook or by crook. Calm descended on her as she realized this. It was as if she had just had her eyes opened to something that should have been glaringly obvious all along.
–At the very least I’d like to use up all the chips I have at the moment and see how far this takes us.
She spoke without bravado, but with plain confidence.
“Bravo,” said the Doctor. His eyes were looking at Balot’s hands. At Oeufcoque, who was contained inside them.
“That’s pretty impressive, in our line of work. Isn’t it, Oeufcoque? Balot’s coming up with her own sense of values and pushing them to the limit.”
