Sadie When She Died полностью

“Who do I ask?”

“The Legal Aid Society.”

“Can you do that for me? Can you give them a call and tell them . . .”

“I’d rather not.”

“Why?” Corwin said, and studied Carella suspiciously.

“I don’t want to do anything that might be considered prejudicial to the case.”

“Whose case? Mine or the D.A.’s?”

“Either one. I’m not familiar enough with what the Court might consider . . .”

“Okay, so how do I call the Legal Aid?”

“Ask one of the officers here. Or simply tell your lawyer. I’m sure if you explain your feelings to him, he would have no objection to dropping out. Would you want to defend someone who didn’t like you?”

“Yeah, well,” Corwin said, and shrugged. “I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a little cockroach, but what the hell.”

“You’ve got a lot at stake here, Corwin.”

“That’s just the point. What the hell difference does it make?”

“What do you mean?”

“I killed her. So what does it matter who the lawyer is? Nobody’s going to save me. You got it all in black and white.”

Corwin’s eyelid was twitching. He wrung his hands together, sat on the bunk again, and said, “I got to hold my hands together. I got to squeeze them together, otherwise I’m afraid I’ll shake myself to pieces, you know what I mean?”

“How bad has it been?”

“Cold turkey’s never good, and it’s worse when you can’t yell. Every time I yell, that son of a bitch in the next cell tells me to shut up, the one who put his own kid in the basement. He scares me. Did you get a look at him? He must weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. Can you imagine a guy like that chaining his own kid in the basement? And not giving him anything to eat? What makes people do things like that?”

“I don’t know,” Carella said. “Have they given you any medication?”

“No. They said this ain’t a hospital. Which I know it ain’t, right? So I asked my cockroach lawyer to get me transferred to the Narcotics Service at Buenavista, and he said the prison authorities would have to make tests before they could transfer me there as a bona-fide addict, and he said that might take a couple of days. So in a couple of days I won’t be a fuckin’ bona-fide addict anymore, because by then I’ll vomit up my guts and kick it cold turkey, so what kind of sense does that make? I don’t understand rules. I swear to God, I really don’t understand rules. That’s one thing about junk. It makes you forget all the bullshit rules. You stick a needle in your arm, all the rules vanish. Man, I hate rules.”

“You feel like answering some questions?” Carella said.

“I feel like dropping dead is what I feel like.”

“If you’d rather I came back another . . .”

“No, no, go ahead. What do you want to know?”

“I want to know exactly how you stabbed Sarah Fletcher.”

Corwin squeezed his hands tightly together. He wet his lips, abruptly leaned forward as though fighting a sudden cramp, and said, “How do you think you stab somebody? You stick a knife in her, that’s how.”

“Where?”

“In the belly.”

“Left-hand side of the body?”

“Yes. I guess so. I’m right-handed, and she was facing me, so I guess that’s where I stabbed her. Yes.”

“Then what?”

“What do you mean?”

“What did you do then?”

“I . . . you know, I think I must’ve let go of the knife. I think I was so surprised I stabbed her that I let go of it, you know? I must’ve let go, don’t you think? Because I remember her backing away from me, and then falling, and the knife was still in her.”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“No. She just had this . . . this terrible look on her face. Shocked and . . . and hurt . . . and . . . and like, wondering why I did it.”

“Where was the knife when she fell?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Was the knife on the right-hand side of her body or the left?”

“I don’t know.”

“Try to remember.”

“I don’t know. That was when I heard the front door opening and all I could think of was getting out of there.”

“When you stabbed her, did she twist away from you?”

“No. She backed away.”

“She didn’t twist away while you were still holding the knife?”

“No. She moved straight back. As if she couldn’t believe what I done, and . . . and just wanted to get away from me, you know?”

“And then she fell?”

“Yes. She . . . her knees sort of gave way and she grabbed for her belly, and her hands sort of . . . it was terrible . . . they just . . . they were grabbing air, you know? And she fell.”

“In what position?”

“On her side.”

“Which side?”

“I could still see the knife, so it must’ve been the opposite side. The side opposite from where I stabbed her.”

“Facing her, how was she lying on the floor? Show me.”

“Well . . .” Corwin rose from the bunk and stood before Carella. “Let’s say the toilet bowl there is the window, her feet were toward me, and her head was toward the window. So if you’re me . . .” Corwin got on the floor and stretched his legs toward Carella. “This is the position she was in.”

“All right, now show me which side she was lying on.”

Corwin rolled onto his right side. “This side,” he said.

“Her right side.”

“Yes.”