The Great Troll War полностью

‘I’ve only got a few things to say, and I shall be brief. Firstly, I am to wield absolute power in all the Kingdoms, and anyone who has not signed the book of allegiance in the foyer will be considered an enemy of the Crown. But, to show my caring nature, they shall not be executed, but banished: thrown forcibly across the Button Trench in the direction of the Trolls after being painted with gravy. My Queen, your Queen, the only queen in what I am now calling the United Kingdoms, is currently resting in her suite upstairs, and will not be troubling her tiny female brain on anything more onerous than domestic affairs – and has passed all her powers to me. Any promises you made to her are now mine, all loyalty granted to her is with me, any promises the Queen made to anyone else will be looked at on a case-by-case basis. Any questions?’

Again no one said anything.

‘It’s now Saturday evening, and the deal with Shandar will go ahead as planned on Monday at dawn. We have until then to find the Quarkbeast, muzzle it and have it ready for the handover. Anyone who tries to stop us in this endeavour will find their life and property forfeit.’

‘I have a question,’ I said.

‘Ah,’ he said, ‘Court Mystician and ex-knight of the realm. My wife has told me that handing out honours willy-nilly was a grave mistake that has now been retracted. You should really say “Your Majesty” when you speak to me, but I’ll settle for “Sire”. Now, what is the question?’

‘The Mighty Shandar cares nothing for humans or Trolls,’ I said. ‘After you hand over the Quarkbeast, Shandar will be more powerful than any sorcerer has ever been. The only course open to you right now is not to do what he asks and try to figure out his plan – and a way of stopping him.’

King Mathew seemed unimpressed.

‘Thank you, Court Mystician, for your valuable input, but you are totally wrong. This Mighty Shandar seems a reasonable man. We will give him what he wants, and if he breaks his word then we will be in the same state as if he hadn’t got rid of the Trolls. All that it will cost us is a Quarkbeast, which is no biggie – I never liked the mangy little cur anyway.’

‘You have no idea the evil that you are tackling, Sire,’ I said. ‘He will—’

‘Are you loyal?’ he asked suddenly.

‘I am loyal to the wishes of the Princess Shazine,’ I said.

‘And her wish is that I am in charge, Miss Strange. Are you loyal to me?’

‘I am loyal … to a just belief.’

‘I’ll take that as a no. You are to relinquish the Quarkbeast to my care. This is the way you are to serve the Crown. Your tenure as Court Mystician ends now, and the position will not be filled until there is some sense of loyalty from those in the magic profession.’

‘You’re making a huge mist—’

‘That’s all agreed, then. Miss Strange, you have until midnight tonight to surrender the little beast, and if you refuse I shall have you executed. Following on from that, all members of your entourage will be asked, in alphabetical order, to reveal the whereabouts of the Quarkbeast – and if they refuse, they too will be executed. Are we clear?’

‘Yes, Your Majesty,’ I said as tartly as I could, and left the conference.

Tiger and Boo were waiting for me in the dining room. The King, never one to shy away from publicity, had called in the local TV station to broadcast his every move and so, he hoped, cement his legacy as a great statesman who saved the Kingdoms from the Troll.

‘Well,’ said Tiger as I sat down between him and Boo, ‘that could have gone better. Does that mean I’m not an earl any more?’

‘I think it does.’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘I never much cared for it.’

I looked at my watch. Midnight was still two hours away and Shandar’s deadline the day after tomorrow at dawn.

‘What are we going to do?’ asked Tiger.

‘I’m not giving the Quarkbeast to anyone,’ I said, ‘but I also like my head where it is. Round up everyone loyal to our cause and we’ll meet in the Globe Late Night Scone Joint – there’s a room at the back. Only take care: the King’s spies will be everywhere, although they’re unlikely to be any good.’

I got up.

‘Where are you going?’ asked Boo.

‘To see the Princess.’

‘You’ll probably need this,’ she said, and passed me a glass globe about the size of a ping-pong ball.

‘It’s a 20:1 Quickener,’ she said. ‘Use it wisely.’

Boo, although a poor sorcerer herself owing to the loss of her index fingers, could still perform a few remote enchantments. Storing spells in globes has a long tradition as they only require you to break them open and the latent spell is activated – and then does instantly what it was intended to do.

I took the elevator to the hotel’s top floor, which had been requisitioned so the Royal Couple wouldn’t have to rub shoulders with ordinary people. I was going to have to speak to the Princess directly to get my head around her sudden turnaround.