‘No one will believe you,’ she said in an arrogant tone, ‘and no one will believe the Princess even if she can escape and presents herself at court. I am the Queen, my husband is the King, we have the authority and the government and the army – and that’s really all that matters. Give up the Quarkbeast, Miss Strange – it’s the only play you have left.’
‘This isn’t over,’ I said, as the shouts from the princess in the cupboard had alerted the guards, who were now banging on the bedchamber door.
‘It is for you,’ said the pretend Princess, ‘but I’ll throw you a bone. Give us the Quarkbeast and I will have the King reinstate you as Court Mystician. It will be mostly ceremonial, but even so – it’s a job. So be a good little girl and do as we ask, okay?’
I said nothing, and without having thought of an exit plan, simply lifted up the sash window and stepped outside onto the roof, meaning to find the fire escape and go down that way. I didn’t have to as Colin was waiting for me, seated on the roof parapet and reading a copy of
‘I’m so sorry about your brother,’ I said. ‘He gave his life to me and the cause.’
‘It’s a worthy cause, Jen,’ he said, wedging the book behind his ear. ‘It’s up to us to ensure his sacrifice – and that of others – was not in vain. Boo said you could do with an escape plan. Where to?’
‘Just fly,’ I said, feeling tired and lost and without ideas. ‘Take me to Land’s End to see the moon reflected in the sea. After that I need to contact William of Anorak – and then we’ll hit the meeting at the Globe.’
It was just past ten when I entered the private room upstairs at the Globe, a late-night scone bar at the top of Queen Street, a place that served top-quality scones until the clotted cream ran out or a fight started, the one generally leading to the other. Colin said that he was too big and obvious to be upstairs at the Globe, and that he would be sure to raise suspicions – so he’d perch on the roof and, if anyone asked, he’d tell them he was doing a bat survey.
I was late to the meeting as William of Anorak had taken some time to find the information I needed, and I wanted to wait until he confirmed what I already felt I knew. I greeted everyone as I entered, Exhorbitus hidden in a large sports bag. Molly was there, dressed in the trenchcoat and fedora, as was Tiger, Once Magnificent Boo, Monty Vanguard and General Worrier.
‘I know this is the wrong thing to do,’ said the worrier, chewing his knuckles nervously. ‘I’m going to be executed for sedition for sure – but if I’m
Molly was there because the peace accord she’d made with the Princess was now null and void, and she didn’t believe the Princess would marry Sir Matt either. I found out later she had driven herself here, then dashed in a side entrance under cover of a large blanket. Tiger was sitting with her, trying to find out which particular shade of cerulean blue the Trolls hated.
‘How about this one?’ said Tiger, showing Molly a Dulux colour swatch.
‘Nope,’ said the Troll.
‘What about this?’ he asked, showing her another with several subtly different shades upon it. ‘Anything here you find even mildly offensive?’
‘Nothing at all,’ she said. ‘In fact, I think I’d quite like the spare cave decked out in something like that.’
‘How’s it going?’ I asked.
‘Not very well,’ he said. ‘We’ve been through the whole Dulux catalogue, all of the Humbrol enamels, the Crown line, Revell, Tamiya, Little Greene and even Farrow & Ball, where we thought it might be something between “Inspid Blueberry” and “Choking Zebra”.’
‘Are those actually colours?’
‘I don’t think so. Tomorrow we’re going to go through the Pantone colour range.’
‘Keep at it. Hello, everyone. Guess who I found taking a bath of UHT milk in the Royal Bathtub?’
‘
‘I think she found him,’ I said. ‘She strikes me as a particularly nasty piece of work. I just phoned William of Anorak, who did a quick search and found that her name’s Betty Scrubb. Unlike her sister Laura, who was a Royal Dog Mess Removal Operative Third Class, Betty has been in and out of juvenile detention her entire life. Last time was for fraud, so a seasoned liar. The thing is, since the original Princess was bodyswapped and the impostor had her hand removed and balm-healed, there’s no foolproof test to tell who is and who isn’t the real Princess, and while I could vouch for her as I did with the princesses, I’m not sure anyone is going to listen to what I have to say this time around.’
‘It’s not over yet,’ said Tiger, punctuating the silence that followed.
