‘But, but wait,’ I managed to stammer, ‘what about Subsection 12, Paragraph 9, Rule 9G of the
‘What of it?’ said the Princess. ‘I think this is definitely man’s work, and I will be a good, submissive wife and leave all decisions up to hubby – except choice of schools for the royal children, and those perilously difficult decisions over soft furnishings, curtains and banquet guest lists.’
I looked at Sir Matt, who was smiling at me.
‘It’s one of my faults,’ he said. ‘I just have far too many star qualities. Now, if you will excuse us?’
I didn’t know quite what to do and suddenly felt very stupid. The curate in the oversized bishop’s hat said: ‘May I proceed?’ to the couple, and they turned their backs on me. There was the sound of tutting from the twenty-six princesses who were all maids of honour in the front row, their faces an odd mix of jealousy and happiness, but mostly jealousy.
‘Pssst!’ came a voice from behind a column in the north aisle. It was Tiger, and I hurried across. He was standing with Once Magnificent Boo, and neither of them looked very happy.
‘What the hell’s going on?’ I whispered when I reached them. ‘Has the Princess gone
‘Totally lost her mind, if you ask me,’ said Tiger. ‘None of us can understand it – and the Princess won’t even see us to discuss it. More importantly, we got your snail. Is that true about Feldspar?’
‘I’m afraid so, and Shandar is a Quarkbeast away from almost unlimited power. Can we talk somewhere else? If I have to listen to any more of this garbage I think I might actually throw up.’
Sir Matt Grifflon and the Princess were exchanging vows, and when I say ‘exchanging’ it sounded like it was all going Grifflon’s way – lots of ‘obeying husband’ stuff and little or nothing in the other direction.
We made our exit from the cathedral, past the increasingly desperate commemorative plate salespeople, then went and sat in a small café opposite the John Nettles statue. We ordered three hot chocolates and a cinnamon bun each, and any ‘bent or unwanted’ cutlery for the Quarkbeast to chew on. I told them about Feldspar and the crew of the
‘But aside from two full Dibble Jars,’ I said, ‘there’s not much else I gained – except that we got the Quorum power wrong: it’s closer to 263 TeraShandars – so long as all the Quarkbeasts are conjoined simultaneously.’
Boo gave a low whistle and raised her eyebrows.
‘That’s a seriously large amount of juice.’
There was a pause as our drinks arrived.
‘Did Grifflon even do the task she set him?’ I asked.
‘Not at all,’ said Tiger. ‘Soon after you left Sir Matt requested an audience with her. Next thing we know, he’s completely won her over.’
‘A beguiling?’ I asked, but Boo shook her head.
‘There’s not enough power around to change a mouse’s mind from Cheddar to Brie, let alone the mind of someone as headstrong as the Princess. It all strikes me as completely out of character.’
I told them both I would speak to the Princess alone just in case there was a bigger plan to all this, and they told me that Sir Matt had taken over the running of the Human Resistance Movement, and would be acceding to all Shandar’s demands – including the surrender of the Quarkbeast, which was to be deemed ‘Royal Property’ as soon as the nuptials were complete and he was King.
As if to confirm this, all the church bells in the city rang out to celebrate the marriage of Sir Matt and the Princess – or, as we should now style them: His Supreme Royal Majesty King Mathew of all the Kingdoms, and his wife, Her Royal Highness Queen Shazine.
The bell on the door tinkled as Monty Vanguard walked in. He looked relieved to see us – but concerned, too.
‘Another hot chocolate, please, Bessie,’ said Tiger, ‘and better make that another round of buns.’
‘I’ve just heard from the newly established Royal Attorney General’s44 office,’ said Monty as he sat down. ‘Anyone considered disloyal to the King will be subject to arrest and imprisonment.’
‘How do they define “disloyal”?’ I asked.
‘However they want,’ said Monty. ‘Full Price and Lady Mawgon told the Attorney General that their loyalty was to Court Mystician Jennifer Strange.’
‘I’m guessing that was the wrong answer,’ said Tiger.
‘Correct,’ replied Monty. ‘They’re both now in jail.’
