I wrapped my arms back around her and pulled her body as close as possible into mine. After the blowjob had woken me up quite a bit, the fogginess made its way back into my mind with how relaxed I now was. Sleepiness crept into my body once again and I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight it for long.
“I’m sorry I can’t return the favor right now.” I whispered into her hair. “I promise, as soon as that thing comes off my chest, I’ll show you how much I love you! I missed you so much.”
“You ... uh ... could just visit me?” she carefully asked, with clear uncertainty in her voice.
“Don’t test me. I thought about it. But you know I can’t.”
“Why?”
“You made me promise I’d keep going.” I replied, causing her to look at me in great confusion.
Saying those words caused the memories to flow back into my mind. The realization hit. This was just another dream of her, like so many I had of her over the last few weeks. And every time, I would wake up the next morning just to realize that she was still dead. It was just my mind playing out fantasies of the woman I loved more than my life, and yet couldn’t hold on to. I had to close my eyes to try and stop the tears from coming. I failed miserably.
“Baby!? What...!?” She sounded panicked when she noticed the tears rolling down my face, after a quiet sob had rocked my body and drawn her full attention to me.
“I miss you so much, Tess. Why didn’t you just tell me? You didn’t have to keep the cancer a secret from me. I could’ve been by your side when ... when you...” I finally asked, but still couldn’t say that last part out loud, and the now uncontrollable sobbing stopped me from trying further.
“Wha ... Oh my God! Baby, no! Oh God, no! I’m so sorry!” I heard Tess’ shocked and shaking voice.
She held me for a long time, cradling my head to her breasts while all the pain I had kept hidden for months finally broke loose. I embarrassingly wept loudly like a little child while hugging her body tight to mine, afraid she would suddenly vanish again, and continuously apologized for being unable to help her when she was sick. Until, finally, the opiates did their thing, and I slipped back into an uneasy sleep.
I woke up at Seven the next morning with mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt like shit because my whole torso hurt. I accredited it to the fitful sleep I got whenever I dreamed of Tess. On the other hand, the muscles in the rest of my body felt strangely relaxed. I actually had to check and make sure I didn’t come in my pants while asleep. To my amazement, I noticed my shorts were missing, but I was so beat the evening before, I couldn’t remember if I even put them on after I overexerted myself in the bathroom.
I slowly - very slowly - got dressed while checking the bandaids for blood. Then I carefully made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Normally, I’d just grab a Coke from my fridge in the morning to satisfy my caffeine and sugar needs, but it was missing from the room. After I moved out, someone probably took it for themselves.
When I stumbled into the kitchen while holding my stomach, Ava, Claire, and Aaron were already in it. The grandparents were probably still sleeping, and Logan was probably still running away. Aaron noticed me first, lowered his newspapers, and wished me a good morning. That alerted the others of my presence.
While Ava looked up from her cereal to give me a short and somewhat shy greeting herself, Claire’s reaction was kind of unnerving. Her body froze while her head snapped up, and she looked at me with big, sad, and somewhat reddened eyes. The dark rings underneath those eyes gave me the impression that she didn’t sleep much last night. Once again, she looked like she wanted to say something, but couldn’t decide on what or how. I felt my suspicion from the previous day confirmed. It was just like the last few times. Eventually she would get over her guilt, and I’d hear her and Logan make the beds squeak again.
When I reached up to the cabinet to get myself a cup for the coffee, I grunted as the pain shot through me and stilled my movement. Immediately Ava jumped up and took a cup out for me. That confused me. I blinked at her for a moment, not sure if I should thank her or prepare myself for some kind of mean prank. When she noticed my reaction, she turned and went back to her breakfast without saying a word. Then Aaron spoke instead.
“Why are you up already, ... son?” That almost made me spill my coffee. I could almost hear the strain he was under, trying not to call me ‘Tiny’ AND acknowledge my position in the family tree. “You’re not planning on going to work, right?”
“Sure I am.” I replied and sipped on my cup. “I’ll drop off the doctor’s note into the school’s mailbox, so they have it as soon as Thanksgiving break is over. Then I need to get an appointment with our GP to check the staples and stitches, go to the pharmacy to get more painkillers, and then I’ll spend the rest of the day drugged up in the office.”
