She nodded. “But life isn’t fair, we both know that. But Connor is such a wonderful young man. Please don’t deny me a chance to see if I can fulfill my dream.”
“You are asking a lot of me. If I lost you in childbirth… It would destroy me.”
“It will destroy me if I cannot try. We could have such a wonderful life together. It’s all or nothing, because I’d rather have nothing than a half life with you.”
“What if you still don’t get with child? Will that not devastate you? Perhaps I’m protecting you from that.”
“At least be truthful. You are protecting yourself.” She sighed. “If I don’t fall with child then I will accept that fate, and you will have to come to terms with not having an heir.” She put up her hand. “I understand you think you don’t care but you might change your mind as you age. That is the risk both of us take if we marry. That as you age you might resent the fact I’m barren.”
He learned forward and sought her hand and linked his fingers through hers. She tried not to look at the majesty of the man because she was on the brink of giving in and saying yes to his proposal with no stipulations of her own, but this was too important to them both. “You are asking me to risk my worst nightmare.”
She nodded. “I will be brave for both of us.”
When he said nothing more, she slipped her hand free and made her way to the door. Her bedchamber was down the hall. She opened the door and peered out. The corridor was empty. She looked back at the enormous, naked man in the bed across the room and her heart bled. He looked so small, so lost, but she would not back down. She knew what she wanted. She wanted it all, his love, and his child if she could. She at least wanted the chance to try. A wonderful, happy marriage with a bevy of children could be within both their grasps. She would fight for them this time, would he?
Would he love her enough to conquer his fears?
“You know where my room is. Prove to me our marriage will be all it can be and I will go before the King and agree to be your wife.” Then she slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, hoping love would overcome fear, because she loved Dougray, and she knew she’d never love another man as much.
WAS HE BEING A COWARD? He fell back amongst the sheets and wondered how he’d gone from feeling as though he could touch heaven to the knowledge he could lose her for good.
Glengarry would offer for her in a heartbeat. Would she marry him just to see if she could bear a child?
Was he simply protecting himself and using saving Flora’s life as a means to preserve his sanity? He would lose his mind if he lost her in childbirth.
Before his father died, he’d said to Dougray, simply pick a woman and marry her. Forget about love. Then Dougray would not care if she died in childbirth. But he wasn’t as callous as his father. For three years after Connie’s death he’d not looked twice at a woman, too scared in case the same thing happened again. It took him years before he took his first lover and then he got very inventive.
Six years after Connie’s death, at four and twenty, he’d suddenly noticed that young Flora, a woman he’d known for years and who was his best friend’s little sister, had blossomed into a woman before his eyes. One day she simply smiled at him and he fell in love as fast as a snap of his fingers. So caught up in his desire for her, the dream of the life they could have, he forgot all about what a marriage would mean. Children. Birth. Death?
One night when their kisses got a bit too amorous, a memory he hadn’t had for many years flashed through his head. A picture, in vibrant red of his mother surrounded by blood—dead—along with her newborn son. It was that memory along with the details of Connie’s death that made him see he could not be so selfish.
So he’d made a choice. He’d walked away to save her life, and to protect his heart. If only he was sure she was barren, because God help him, God help her, he couldn’t walk away again. Not after she’d shared her body with him.
He craved a normal life and marriage with her. Only her.
He swung his legs over the end of the bed and found a robe.
There was no doubt in his mind that he could not, would not lose her again, and he would pray to God every night to keep her safe.
He slipped from his room and silently made his way to her.
When he entered she was standing at the window dressed in a silken robe looking down at the gardens below. She slowly turned toward him.
“You are right, I have been a coward.”
She said nothing.
He stepped closer. “I’m still scared. I’m a duke in control of many estates and tenants, but that doesn’t frighten me. I have responsibilities to my King and country, but that doesn’t frighten me. I have a large extended family to provide for, but that doesn’t frighten me.”
He pulled her into his arms.
“The only thing I am truly frightened of is losing you.”
Her face fell and she tried to push away but he held her tight. “You will lose me either way.”
