Cole’s question brought her sharply out of her thoughts and sent her mind seeking in a completely different direction. Maybe it had been intentional. But it was effective because her mind wandered back to days spent just like this. She sprawled across Cole’s body, both of them content to just be.
Her smile was wistful and a little bittersweet. “Yes, I remember. We had such good times.”
He kissed her forehead. “Yes, we did.”
She angled her head so she could stare up at him. “How can we just fall back into this, Cole? We don’t even know each other anymore. It’s been ten years since we were together. This has all happened so fast that I’m having a hard time putting it all together. Is it a game? Are we having a fling for old time’s sake? I feel like I need to know what the expectations are. I mean, Lucas gave me to you. I get that. The three of us are adhering to rules that most other people don’t have any knowledge of and yet they’re important to all of us. Or at least they are to me. I need to know where I stand with you. Take away the rules, the agreement, the fact for the next two weeks I am for all practical purposes your property and just tell me what this is.”
“You don’t ask much,” he said dryly.
He stroked his fingers through her hair, kissed her tenderly on the forehead again and then expelled his breath in a long sigh.
“I made a mistake, Ren. I’ve always known it. Walking away from you was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I hurt you and I hurt myself. We were so young and I was so worried that I was taking you over. I should have trusted in your strength. I should have had more faith in myself but I loved you so much, it killed me to think of hurting you, of what I did to you or
She leaned away to rest against the back of the sofa so that she could see his face.
“But the need in me wouldn’t go away. It shamed me because I thought that anything that had brought someone I loved pain was an …abomination. It wasn’t until later that I realized that it wasn’t the practice of dominance and submission that was wrong. It was my handling of it and my ignorance. It was me who placed you in a position of danger. You were mine to protect and cherish and I failed you on every level.”
“No,” she whispered, shaking her head.
He touched her face, stroked his fingers down her cheek as his gaze devoured her. Almost as if he couldn’t quite believe that she was here and would disappear at any moment.
“After you, I refused to participate in any practice that I didn’t extensively study and devote long hours to mastering. We wondered when we began if it was curiosity or a deep-seeded need within us. For me it was a need and now I realize it was the same for you. How perfect we were for each other,” he said ruefully. “Even more so than we ever imagined. But the truth of the matter was, I needed time to mature and grow and time to gain the knowledge necessary to provide a safe environment for you.”
“Did you have other relationships? Like ours?” she asked, though she dreaded the answer. It was stupid and hypocritical. She’d certainly had relationships. She hadn’t been celibate but somehow it hurt her to think of Cole cherishing another woman as deeply as he’d cherished her.
“Not like ours,” he denied. “Nothing like ours. My …Well, you can’t even call them relationships. They were encounters. And they were all very clinical. There were women who intrigued me. Whom I was attracted to, but the ones I was perhaps the most attracted to belonged to other men. Maybe subconsciously I felt safe in letting myself feel something for them because I knew I never had a chance with them.”
Her brow furrowed in confusion. “Why wouldn’t you have wanted a chance?”
His gaze settled on her. Deep and serious. “Because they weren’t you.”
Her breath caught and she felt light-headed.
“Ren, I loved you. I know you didn’t think so. Especially when I walked out on you. But for me there’s never been another woman who made me feel like you did. There were a few who came close and maybe if they hadn’t belonged to other men I would have enjoyed being with them.”
He caught her hand and pulled it to his mouth to kiss her palm. “I’ve been very successful in life. I’ve achieved all the goals I’ve set out to achieve. It’s brought me a measure of happiness. But there’s always been something missing and when I looked up in that restaurant and saw you for the first time in all these years, it all fell into place for me. It was like being hit by lightning. I can’t even begin to explain how it felt.”
She stared back at him in complete befuddlement. Her stomach knotted and she could barely squeeze air into her lungs.
“I looked at you and knew what was missing in my life. What I
