‘Because we are different. You will tell me that you and my father have a lot in common. But it needs two to make a perfect union and I can assure you that I am not in the least like my mother.’
‘Lottie, come back to me. Marry me. Let’s start where we should have started all those years ago.’
‘I don’t think it would be wise.’
‘Why not?’
‘If I married again I should want something wonderful. I remember seeing my parents together. I have heard my father talk of his marriage to my mother … nothing less would satisfy me. If I cannot have that I prefer to stay as I am, free, independent.’
‘You shall have everything you want.’
‘It’s too late, Dickon.’
‘It’s never too late. You have some feeling for me.’
‘Yes, I have.’
‘You feel better for having me around.’
I hesitated. ‘I … I am aware of you.’
‘Very much aware of me. There is a sparkle in your eyes when you see me.’ He turned to me and, putting his arms round me, kissed me. I could not hide the fact that I was moved, that I responded, that I wanted him to go on kissing me; but I kept seeing my mother, hearing her voice, and she was warning me against him. She seemed closer to me now that she was dead.
I pushed him away vehemently. ‘No, Dickon,’ I said. ‘No.’
‘We are both free now,’ he reminded me. ‘Why not? Let’s take it up where we should have done all those years ago.’
I could not deceive myself. I wanted to say Yes. I knew life with Dickon would be a hazardous adventure, but I wanted to embark on it. Yet I could still see my mother warning me as it were from the grave; and so vivid was that image that I could not ignore it.
‘You could find someone very suitable in the circles in which you move,’ I said. ‘London society, is it? Some rich woman?’
‘I have a fair share of worldly goods now, you know.’
‘But you would still like more.’
‘Who can honestly say No to possessions?’
‘Certainly not Dickon.’
‘Well, you would hardly be a penniless
‘I see that in the midst of your devotion you have had time to calculate my worth.’
‘Your worth is above diamonds, which I always considered to be more worthy than rubies. The fact is, Lottie, I love you. I always have. I always knew you were the one for me, ever since I set eyes on the beautiful child with the wilful ways and the passion which matched my own. Do you imagine that your romantic birth did anything to stem my love for you?’
‘No, I don’t think that. The dam was Eversleigh.’
‘Cruel! Cruel and cutting. A man makes one mistake. Is he never to be forgiven for it?’
‘Forgiven, yes. But the mistake—if mistake it was—is not easily forgotten.’
My mood towards him had changed. When he talked about my father’s wealth I remembered how interested he was in the estate, his speculation, his pleasure in it which he had shown when we were riding about it.
If I married again it would not be for my possessions, and although I was sure Dickon’s feeling for me went deep, I knew that he could not help considering every advantage.
He desired me. I was well aware of that. But I had seen with Charles that such desire does not last and when it begins to be less urgent there must be some firm foundation on which to build a love such as that which I had seen between my mother and father.
Dickon went on pleadingly: ‘There are two very good reasons why you should come to England. The first is that I need you and you need me. The second is that this is a very uneasy country. You are shut away in this rural district and you forget it. Can you ever forget, though, what happened to your mother?’
I shook my head. ‘Never,’ I said vehemently.
‘Why did it happen? Ask yourself why. France is in a ferment. I know that. It is my business to know it.’
‘Secret mission?’ I asked.
