March 12, 1969. What do I think about the change in emotions between Nghia and me? “Traitor” seems too strong a word, but I really feel that way, and I think something has broken in our affections. How sad I am, all those promises you made but have forgotten already, haven’t you? One night on the shores of Pho Hiep, the four of us what were we talking about? Those letters, those presents wrapped with all your love inside… now answer me please! Have you cut off our affections? I think about Thuan, perhaps one day Thuan will also change like that. If he does then I couldn’t believe in anything anymore.
March 13, 1969. An army comrade sacrificed, wounded in the stomach. After the operation his situation was bad because of internal bleeding caused by pieces of shrapnel which couldn’t be found where they cut the veins. After thinking about it I decided not to operate again, though I was hesitant and confused. At last he died. I thought about his death until I got a headache. Why did he die? Because of my indecisiveness? Maybe because of that. If my determination had been 100 per cent, then my hopes to save his life might have been 10 per cent. I listened to others and abandoned a job I should have done.
He was dead already, and in his front pocket was a small notebook with all sorts of pictures of a girl with a lovely smile and a strong letter telling him that she would wait, and a small handkerchief with the words sewn in: “Waiting for you”. Oh! You rear-line girl, the person that you love will never return to you again. The hat of mourning which you will wear will be heavy with sorrow, full of the cruel crimes of the murdering imperialist Americans, and also with my regret that I didn’t save him when I could have.
March 16, 1969. Party re-education. Reorganization of the Party, learning 3 buildings, 3 resistances. The Branch thoughts are:
Good: there is a lot of improvement in my leadership, understanding, and the responsibility I take to enter thoroughly all aspects of work; complete the heavy tasks given me; my position is firm, my organizational plans are very good, deeply thought out and applied.
Weak: There are still some aspects which haven’t worked out well: I have not used all my abilities in researching my treatment experiences, and am very weak in helping to change the cadres’ lives.
March 17, 1969. Read his short letter with all the anger and words of love, and I suddenly felt my heart is alive again like before in those days before the two of us had any break in our love. I already answered (I don’t know if I thought very carefully or not): “All the things which have passed in 9 years are not easy to forget even if we wanted to. People are people, it is you, it is me, and it is all the discussion around us both. But the roots of love still lie in the ground; it can still grow again if a fresh spring comes to the cheeks of the girl from years ago”.
March 19, 1969. The district of Duc Pho was hit yesterday. All the district burns with our troop’s fire-of-hate. Luc is among those courageous soldiers, wounded and just recovering his fighting strength. Luc died in the first battle after days of recovering in the hospital. I heard about his sacrifice and am very sorry about it. Before me is still the image of a young man with intelligent eyes and a determined face. He always liked to wear a red collar, the collar with the words: “Promise to die for the Country”. His warm singing sounded on those afternoons: “Oh River and mountain, how beautiful it is when the moon shines on the hill, the clouds fly under the people…”
My dear Luc, are you really dead? Why is your singing voice still in my ears and your handwriting still colorful in the letter you wrote me?
You are the same as Bon, Khiem, and all the other heroes who have fallen for tomorrow’s victory: you will always be loved in my heart and in all our countrymen’s hearts.
March 21, 1969. Have a thing I must think about: research and control, that is the reality of daily life. It seemed before that everyone easily cared for me when they met me. Is that why I am so happy about this? At times I have said I never cared for anyone; the right thing is to say everything straight, the wrong thing is a lack of softness when convincing people. Please be determined to overcome this, Thuy!
March 25, 1969. For more than a year I have not had a chance to go down to the Delta, so why am I so eager these few days like the burning sun in the summer? I miss the Delta so much. My dear Delta, with all the green rice fields filled with plants heavy with grains of rice. My dear Delta, with all the colorful dresses, all the white hats of lovely girls. My dear Delta, often the fire is burning red, yet cannot burn out the green color of growing life.
