April 12, 1969. Waiting for something… something which makes me unsatisfied and so very unhappy. What more do I want? Everyone loves me and cares about me, and life still gives me the color of blue hope spread out before me, although there are some clouds covering my corner of the sky.
So, is it the job which is worrying me? Perhaps that is the reason; the job is so heavy that no one can complete it so I can’t guarantee the quality of my performance.
And is there anything else? Is sadness and thinking still pressing on my heart? When will my heart belong to the Party? However… the Party does say that the heart of a Communist knows only reason. I understand work, but still keep hope and love, so I still cannot be blamed!
April 16, 1969. One more person I care for of the people I love in the South. Does that mean you Tan? I am a little confused because even with the thousands of busy jobs you have as cadre secretary of the village you still save for me from the North all your thoughts, worries, and care. Exactly like Nghi wrote today in his letter from the North: “Our revolution is really a miracle”, because it opens love and opens my eyes to see a more beautiful world, where the flame of emotion is brighter today even though life is still hard and full of sorrow”.
My dear Tan, you can believe in me, believe my true heart, and believe in the true devotion of my young heart.
April 17, 1969. Sitting by him listening to his tired burning breath go through the thin blanket covering his body I feel very sad. I want to hold him in my heart to share his weariness; I want to hold him in my arms just as a mother holds a sick child. This emotion is very right but… in this world who understands this precious affection? It’s not that they don’t have eyes to see the truth, but there is always terrible gossip.
Very sad, when will society be finished with these backward ideas? When will people live complete with loving hearts and the bright spirits that I hope for?
My dear young man; please understand the love in the hand I put softly on your forehead, the look filled with care for you instead of the world.
April 22, 1969. Very sad when we say good-bye, not because we don’t have time to talk with each other but because I cannot show enough of my affections for him. With him it is the same; he sat next to me with his eyes so sad, unable to continue speaking because of his excitement. “I never told you that this time when far away I dreamed I lived next to you. But I cannot. When we are apart this time when will we see each other again?”
What can I answer? What am I going to say when my heart is also sad and it seems like there is something to worry about. The cruel month of May will come; the blood and bones will still pour out because of the final victory. If you are one of the heroes… what will happen? You tell me that if you die, then I must still feel you are close by, still recall your familiar shadow, and still hear your lovely voice. You don’t say that it will be that way, but if that happens how painful it will be.
How can I feel perfect happiness if you are not in this world anymore? No! You are always next to me; don’t go anywhere my dear young man!
April 24, 1969. The first thing I learned was: “Don’t so easily trust people”. Love is proven by practical things, not only through letters: study this lesson Thuy! Life is still filled with those worms of position. All those thorns from seeds compete with each other little by little for prestige and interest. So it is not surprising, but tell yourself to be more and more vigilant. I have seen this already M and Nghia; is this not a lesson for me?
Oh my dear little girl! 26, 27 years old already but your spirit is still not as strong as that of a person’s half your age. You have to stop dreaming of a child’s life, you have to think more offensively, of duty. You have to be more clever and add the tricks of someone in a position which many people are eager to be in.
My dear Thuy… you want to live with pure belief, with fresh hope, and warm love the perfect life, but it cannot be done!
April 26, 1969. Xuyen came back bringing not good news but rather sad news. I try to act naturally in conversation but my heart aches. He is still sick and tired but difficulties and dangers continue to threaten him. I imagine the sad shining eyes in the pale thin face of this young man, and I don’t know what I will do to protect this young man I care for.
