And… my dear young friend, I miss you so much, hope I can see you again, can look at your lovely eyes, can hold you in my heart, and can kiss you like kissing a little brother at home.
March 27, 1969. Heard that the Area Medical Hospital plans to bring me back there. First, it is only news, but why do I feel so sad? If it is an order, then I just have to accept it; what else can I say? But my God! Why so sad? I will leave this place, going up to the Province so far away and come to the Area… then when can I see all these friends that I love? Is there any other place like this piece of land, this land which has nurtured me with love, challenged me, trained me, bringing me up in the hardships, building me and supporting me to be a strong cadre?
His letter came; he worries about me, loves me, but he doesn’t know that I have to be away from him. But when we are apart will we both become weak? When only separating to go back to the village I cannot stand it, so how will I manage when I have to leave him to go up to the Area?
April 2, 1969. The enemy sent troops to Dong Ram*; from there to here is not even 30 minutes, so we must again prepare a defense against another sweep.
Tonight the dispensary is very calm in its preparation. I don’t understand why I feel sorry for the wounded comrades. They are not recovered yet have to climb from this mountain to another to hide from the enemy. They cannot find peace when their wounds still hurt. The American pirates are still here so we will still have sorrow; nothing changes.
April 5, 1969. If you knew how much I am waiting for you then you would be here today, already holding my hand and not saying anything, but we would understand enough what we want to say to each other. It rains very hard, is cold and very sad. Do you understand this dear young man?
April 6, 1969. Why? Why am I so happy when I see you after many days apart? After so many days my missing you is like the river flood waters after many days of rain. Why is there a sadness preventing me from coming to you with the kind heart which you should receive? It’s because of worrying discussions, misunderstanding a precious, simple love which is also deep and complex. Deep love doesn’t need to be talked about, but the complication is that why do I still worry when our hearts are clear as mirrors? When you hold my hand, love me and kiss me we should not have to worry, but we still must think about other people misunderstanding. My dear young man, of course nothing can penetrate our precious and beautiful affections, but I want to protect them and don’t want anyone saying anything about what is between us. Please don’t blame me when I don’t treat you like a young brother in public. Do you understand, wonderful young man, courageous and worthy of admiration?
April 7, 1969. Received a lot of letters and am very happy; letters from mother, from my sister, from friends, from the District, Province, village, and hamlet…everyone sent me their love. All that praise makes me happy. “Tram is loved by all, the Party believes… really a perfectly educated person.”
I don’t know how many times I have asked myself what I must do to be worthy of their faith.
Tan’s letter causes me to think also. He told me about himself and asked: “Whether I am close or far away depends on you, and do you think of me as a brother you are close to?” I admire him very much, not because he is the village secretary. I hope that by being close to him, he will teach me like an elder brother. But I worry that others will misunderstand and think that I only want to be close to a “big person”. But then maybe they won’t.
April 8, 1969. The enemy came near the water pipe; just a little farther and then everything in the clinic would have been finished. Why was I still so calm when I knew that the enemy was that close? After sending the wounded soldiers to hide, I returned to the operating room. I wanted to see if I still had enough courage and was smart enough to continue making decisions like normal or not. Finally the enemy didn’t arrive and I was able to sleep soundly in the mess left from the evacuation.
April 9, 1969. Attended the District Group meeting and my ideas were given great attention being discussed very carefully by the comrades. I am very sorry that I have been too busy to contribute much more to the young people’s work.
I don’t know why at the meeting table I was suddenly comparing this to the times I played with Vinh, Xe, Quang and all the working girls. At that time I was just “naughty sister Thuy” to them, and now I am a cadre with the heavy responsibilities handed to me by the Party in their faith in me.
April 11, 1969. With only a brief few moments away from the crowd of people, I wonder how I can still feel and understand those two eyes speaking of peace and quiet with deep sympathy. Farewell beloved black eyes, ok?
