John, that damned traitor! That’s why he didn’t ask questions. He must have called her the moment I had hung up instead. Meaning, she possibly had just stood there watching me for a while.
“So ... you make rounds through the house?” she asked, walking to stand next to me, “In the middle of the night?”
“Yes. So?”
“You do that often?”
She tried to sound casual, but I could also hear a distinct tone of professionalism, telling me this wasn’t just idle conversation with my Aunt. It was more likely a session with my Aunt the therapist. I looked at her, contemplating whether I should - or rather wanted to - tell her. And if so, how much.
“Most nights, yes.” I answered blandly. Noticing her look I added. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
She grabbed my drink out of my hand, brought it up to her nose, and sniffed it.
“Yeah, sure. Waking up in the dead of night to check on us, and then drinking alone in a dark room, basically screams ‘I’m fine’, Tim!”
“Who says I wake up to check on you people? I just make sure the house is Okay.”
“So you
Obviously I wasn’t as quick-witted as I thought.
“Where the fuck’s all that perceptiveness suddenly coming from that you’ve been missing for the past four years?” I muttered under my breath, taking my drink back from her hands, and causing her to wince and regard me with sad eyes.
“I know I failed you, Tim. I’m sorry.” she responded after placing a hand on my biceps, “There isn’t anything I could say in my defense that wouldn’t sound like a cheap excuse, or like I’m trying to shift the blame. All I can say is, I’m trying to do better, because I do care about you.”
Hearing that almost knocked me on my ass. It was the first time I had heard any of them fully acknowledge my grief, while actually apologizing for the part they played in the shit I had endured. No ‘I’m sorry, BUT... ‘, or ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. She actually admitted that my aversion towards them was fully warranted, without any attempt to play it down or relativize her part in it. Even Claire had, the night we had sex, only apologized specifically for not realizing that Tess had died, and gave me a ‘I didn’t intend to... ‘ for all the other crap.
“Well ... try me.” I challenged her.
“What?”
“Now that you said you’re sorry and want to do better, I’d like to hear the reasons, even if they sound like excuses. Because I really would like to understand how in the hell we reached this point.” I clarified, and saw her body slump in on itself. “You
She thought about it for a while, looking at her feet, before she sighed in resignation.
“I could tell you that we don’t live together, so I never directly witnessed the signs of depression in you. I could tell you that you had already withdrawn yourself and kept your distance from us when you entered high school, so I never directly witnessed the signs of you being bullied. Or I could tell you that I specialized in couples therapy, not child psychology, so I wasn’t able to see the signs from a distance either. But the simple truth is ... that you were right with what you said to me. The mere fact that a fourteen year old child withdrew himself from his family should have made me ask questions, but I was content with my life and the fun we were having, so I readily accepted Aaron’s remarks about harmless sibling rivalry.”
By the end of her explanation, she had to strain her voice to keep her embarrassment out of it.
“And what about after you finally found out?” I asked quietly. “I suspect John told you about our little talk in the car?”
“Yes.” she nodded somberly, “He has. Tim, after we tried to make them remember your birthday last year, your Grandmother justifiably dressed us all down and demanded of Claire and Aaron to fix what was wrong. And, despite what you think, I did talk with them. One of the reasons I hounded you for the last year was that I wanted to help that process along. When you kept refusing to talk with me, I relied on what I heard from your parents and siblings, who made it all sound like you just weren’t interested.”
“Really!?” I asked in a sarcastic tone.
